Old person syndrome

Joe:  Yeah, Kathy was okay until she got older, then she got that old person syndrome.  You know, when you have to deal with that repetition and them saying all that stupid sh#t.  Remember that when I get older.

Cold hands, warm heart

Joe:  It's getting cold.  It's pretty cold in the house.  My hands are even starting to get cold.

Alicia:  Oh, are you getting the Raynaud's?

Joe:  Naaa, but I am going to go put on some gloves. 

Alicia:  Ha, ha.  You're kidding, right?  (I never remember him saying his hands are cold, in my whole life... I thought he was making fun of me & my typical cold hands)

Joe:  No, I'm going to go put some on. 

Alicia:  Why don't you just turn the heat on?

Joe:  Nahhh... the thermostat said 58 degrees.  I'll lay low for a while yet.

The perfect pie

Joe:  I was going to use that pie ring you gave me when I was making this pumpkin pie.  The directions for the pie say to line the outside of the pie with aluminum foil, but it's a pain in the ass.

Alicia:  Did the directions really say that?

Joe:  A pain in the ass, no shit.

Critique of Jane Fonda's boyfriend

Joe:  I'm just watching the Golden Globes.  You should see this old guy sitting next to Jane Fonda.  He looks like he's dead.  I was going to call up and see if there's an escapee from Delmar Gardens.

Answering Machine versus Voicemail... the difference... unknown

About 3 years ago I got a message from Joe on my voicemail (cell phone) saying, "Leesha, you there?  Pick me up."  He thought I could hear him live as he was talking, like on an answering machine.  I thought I provided adequate continuing education on the way an answering machine & voicemail differ.

Tonight my phone rang and I couldn't get to it in time to answer.  I saw it was him so I called him back right away (he was leaving me a message on voicemail & clicked over when I called).

Joe:  Could you hear me?
Alicia:  Huh?  I can hear you now, what are you talking about?
Joe:  I was leaving you a message, I thought you could hear me.
Alicia:  Oh no, we're not going through this again, are we?  It doesn't work that way.
Joe:  Well you ain't got that thing programmed right then.

Garage Door

Joe's garage door wasn't working properly.  He even pulled his car right up to the door & still nothing.

Joe:
So, i'm thinkin' the easiest fix would be a "battry."  I looked in my drawer for a 9 volt "battry" since I usually keep spares of each kind.  But, I ain't got one, so I'm looking in all my gadgets I got:  cordless phone, answering machine, nothing takes a 9 volt battry.  I looked in your room thinkin there might be one in grandpa's old stuff.  Here I see a smoke detector box that's never been opened, probably 50 years old.  On the box it says, "comes with brackets, screws" and sure as sh#t, a 9 volt battery.

I put that in and the son of a b#tch worked right away.  I tell ya, I am a technology kind of guy.

I pulled up from work yesterday & pushed the opener  button at the end of the street & the g#ddamn garage door about flew off the tracks.  My porch lights flicked on & off.  Sh#t man, I know some sh#t.

Pissy at channel 9 fundraising

Joe:  I watched Donnybrook tonight.  It was alright but they had some fundraising on there so that old broad with the witch hazel hair was on there asking for donations.  I can't stand that broad.
The one time I watched when they had people in the background answering phones while they were fundraising & these 3 old hags in the third row were talking to each other & laughing & carrying on.  I called into the 1-800 number and told them to tell those gals to take a hike or somethin.'
Then they keep saying the same line over & over about donating money.  I was going to call in & say, "Can't you people find something else to say.  We're not illiterate out here."

Priorities

Joe:  I just bought some new dress shirts but I'm not wearing one to the funeral on Friday.  I don't wanna be rushin' around to iron the shirt.

Alicia:  Oh, rushing around.  You don't have 10 minutes tomorrow to iron a shirt?

Joe:  My time is limited, you know?  I gotta prioritize my bullshit time.

Joe's post- knee replacement insomnia.

Voicemail I got from Joe:
Leesha, it's dad.  Hey, uh, sometime today when you're running around, if you & Lloyd come out here for the football game, pick me up some sleeping pills, will ya?
Slept good until about 2:00, woke up, had to go to the bathroom, could not go back to sleep, could not go back to sleep.  So I laid there until about 5, got up & took 2 ibuprofen, for some reason, I don't even know what the hell I did that for, I thought, "shit, I'll take some cyanide pills I guess, if I thought they would do some good for somethin.'"  But, uh, my time is off, cuz I just woke up now.  So I don't even know when I fell back asleep.  Everything's just out of whack.  Pick me up somethin.'  You'll figure it out.

Morning routine

Joe was going to drop off a few things for a coleslaw recipe in my car while I was at the gym.

Joe:  You got the recipe printed out?  How much oil & sugar do you need?

Alicia:  Looks like a cup of oil & a cup of sugar. What time do you think you'll be there?

Joe:  Well, you know, after I get my coffee & pick my nose a couple times, I'll be up there around 9:30.

Then I started some unrelated story, going off on a tangent.

Joe:  What's this got to do with the g#ddamn coleslaw?

Cords and Banjos

Names changed for anonymity

Joe:  You know Keith called the other day and asked me how long of a cord he should get for his lawn work.  He's got a 25 foot cord & a 50 foot cord & he's always borrowing my 100 foot cord. 

I told him to get a 100 foot cord so it takes care of the whole lawn.

He said last time he had a 100 foot cord his wife cut through it with the hedge trimmer so he thought he should get a shorter cord.

So he's thinking of getting a shorter cord.  That thing will be stretched out like a g#ddamn banjo string.  He just needs to tell his wife to get her head out of her a$s. 

The picture of health

We were at my grandma's nursing home & I was reading the dinner menu outloud:  "braunschwaeger sandwich."

Joe:
You know braunschweger is high in iron.  So is beer.  I read that in my information from my surgery.  A little braunschwaeger, a little beer, a little velveta, sh#t man, I'm the picture of health.

Alicia:  Does velveta have a lot of iron in it?

Joe:  Oh yeah, it's right up there.

Dalai Joe

Joe:  You know how that lady down the street took me to my doctor's appointment and then we went out for coffee afterwards?   I got a real nice Christmas card from her saying happy holidays & she really enjoyed talking to me at coffee because i'm easy to talk to and open. 

Alicia:  Oh, you are?

Joe:  Hell yes.  Alright, I'm gonna put my psychology degree away here & take a leak. 

Holidays filled with pie plates & screamin' knees.

Joe has 2 recipes that call for a 10” pie plate, so he’s been on the hunt for one.   I wish I could have a recording of his conversation because I'm sure I'm missing some of his eloquence.  (He had already looked for the pie plate at Walmart, Kmart, Target, & Big Lots)

Joe:

So I go to the mall to look for this pie plate.  I parked by Penny’s, went in & they ain’t got nuthin.’

So here I’m walking to Macy’s looking around at all these ladies & their old men just following them around, like baby skunks behind their mother.  I thought to myself, “this is the last place Joe Herbst needs to be.  What the hell am I doing here” And my knees are screamin.’

Here I see my buddy Bill.

So we were talkin’ for about a half hour & I says, “Hey Bill, you want to get a seat somewhere, my knees are screamin.’”  So we went to that Starbuck’s & he got us some coffees.  I told him I didn’t want any of that “expresso” bullsh#t, just regular coffee.  So we talked a little more & then he had to go.

So I go prancin’ down to Macy’s and figured out that the pie plates are on the lower level, so I find the escalator & I’m at the up instead of down escalator.  I thought, “g#ddamn, how much time am I going to put into this looking for a g#ddamn pie plate.” 

 So I get to the right section & they ain’t got all their pie plates together, they got them organized by brand, so it’s all Martha Stewart stuff, and then the next brand.  Son of a b#tch, I gotta look through all these products for some sh#ttin pie plate.  Some young kid comes up to me & asks if he can help me.  I thought, “this kid ain’t gonna do me no good,” but I tell him what I’m looking for.  He checked the computer & says they don’t have any at that store but he can order me one.   I told him no & he told me to try Dillards.  Well by this time my knees are really screamin & I just had to get out of there.  I walk way back to my car by Penny’s. 

 I’m driving along Lemay Ferry & see the entrance for Dillards, which I had already passed.  So I go up to Forder, turn around & come back because I just want to get this over with.  I don’t want to spend another day looking for this bullsh#t.

So I go to Dillards & had to get on the escalator, which I walked to the wrong side of again.



Alicia again, not to draw out the story, but profanities ensued & he finally got a 9.5" pie plate & at Big Lots because apparently 10" pie plates don't exist in the STL; the world was happy again.

The Rotation

Thursday night I was over at Joe's & I was hungry, so I had a peanut butter sandwich.  I noticed there was a used toothpick (Joe is very green & recycles lots of things) on the top of the peanut butter jar, which was sitting on the kitchen table.

I went over there today & noticed the toothpick was on a box sitting on the table instead of the jar of peanut butter.  

Alicia:  Oh, I see you did the rotation.

Joe:  Oh yeah, you noticed that, huh?  yeah I turned the table cloth around so the holes wouldn't be where you & Lloyd sat for dinner the other night.

Alicia:  No, no, I don't mean the table cloth, although that's a great move, I mean the rotation of the position of your toothpick.

Joe:  Ha ha ha.  Oh yeah, the other night I was too lazy to turn on the light in the kitchen so I just felt around for something to set the toothpick on, so I put it on that box.
I can't just set it on the table because I'll lose the g#ddamn thing with all those colors in the table cloth.

Alicia:  Ohhhhh, no, you definitely wouldn't want to lose it.

I can see clearly

Alicia:  Alright, I'll let you go, you can get back to watching Hard Core Pawn
Joe:  Nah, I ain't watchin' that, I'm watchin' the ball game.  The Cardinals are winning... I think they're winning, I got my glasses on all cock-eyed.  Hell, I might not even be watchin' the Cardinals, I might be watching' Luciano Pavarotti.

Pop a cap in the gas....cap

Joe:  Did you buy your powerball ticket?  I sure hope I win so I can afford a new gas cap.

Alicia:  What?  You lost one again?  How long ago was that when you lost 2 gas caps in one week?

Joe:  Oh yeah, that must have been 2 years ago.  I couldn't believe it.  The first time I lost one was somewhere around Bayless & 55.  I remember I  parked in the emergency lane & walked all the way up & down the entrance ramp looking for the g#ddamn thing.  Couldn't find it, so I just had to buy a new one.  Then a week later I had just went to that wedding out in the country so I needed gas when I got back.  The next morning I noticed the license plate was down & no gas cap.  I thought, "son of a b$tch.  Joe, you idiot."  So I went back up to the gas station & looked around.  I was cussing & bouncing around like a monkey.  The attendant came on the speaker & said, "sir, can I help you."

The joys of Walmart

Joe:  Boy, you're right about that Walmart being screwed up.  The other day when I went there all I had was 2 containers of mouthwash, so I got in the express lane for 20 items or less.  There's a guy in that lane with a cart full of sh#t & then another couple behind him, then me.  So the guy sets all his sh#t up on the counter & pulls out a wad of cash.  I thought, "oh good, this will go quick since he's payin' with cash." Winds up he doesn't have enough money, so he's asking the cashier how much things cost to take off the bill.  I'm gettin' aggravated, see.  The couple behind him rolled their eyes.  Finally I said to the guy "You gotta be sh#ttin' me, you mean you don't know how much that sh#t cost when you pull it off the shelf."  I went to another lane.  When I was walking out the guy was still at the cash register.  I waved my hand at him, like "you're an idiot."

Oh how I egg him on

Joe:  I been on this g#ddamn phone all night.  I'm trying to watch the hockey game & I keep gettin' all these g#ddamn calls.  I got sweat comin' out of my ears I been talkin' so long.

Alicia: Who's been calling?

Joe: Oh, Tom from that reunion I just went to. 
(Alicia here, I had never heard this guy's name before 2 weeks ago, now the guy has called my dad 5 X in the last 2 weeks)

Alicia:  What, are you 2 BFF's now?

Joe:  Hell no, I don't need no BFF.

(If you know Joe, hearing him seriously say "BFF" is freakin' hysterical)

Joe vs. Wasp

Joe:  So today I was driving on 55, taking my time just cruising along & I look over at the passenger side window & there's a wasp.  So you know I got the power windows, so I just rolled the window down.  The wasp must have still been half asleep from the winter because he was kind of lethargic, just rode the window down into the door.  So I thought, "good, he won't be able to get back out."

I look over a couple minutes later, here the son of a b#tch is crawling back up by the window.  So I swatted at him with my brush & broke the g*ddamn brush in half.  He landed on the floor on the passengers side & wasn't moving so I thought it was over.  Looked over a few minutes later & here he's making his way over to me because I pissed him off.  I grabbed my club & started poking at him with that.  All the while I'm going 70 g#ddamn miles an hour down the highway.

Well he was still coming at me, so I hit 'eem with my hand & stunned him. 

Here I'm going down those narrow sh#ttin' lanes in the depressed section trying to hit this wasp with my hand. If I had any g#ddamn sense I would have pulled over.