Real Housewives... again. It really gets him in a tizzy.

Alicia: Yo, what's up?
Joe: (in a girl voice, imitating the gal Kyle on Real Housewives) Oh, you know I am so stressed out. My housekeeper called and can't be here this week. I don't know how I'm going to get to Napa with all the things I have to do. No one is here to kiss my a#$.

(now Joe in his own voice): I got my 2 middle fingers pointing at the tv. I can't believe these broads.

Real Housewives

Watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills earlier this week:

Joe: Can you believe how dolled up these gals get to hang around their house? Sh*t, I been in the same sweat pants and sweat shirt all g*ddman week.

(He was also in a stocking cap & his footies)

It's cold

Joe: You goin' out bummin' today?
Alicia: Yes I am
Joe: Boy, it's cold out, windy & cold.
Alicia: Yeah, you have your heat on yet?
Joe: It ain't THAT cold.
I'm seriously considering it.
Alicia: What, do you have some Council over there you're discussing it with?
Joe: Well, I was looking at my gas bills from last year, & this is about the same time I turned it on last year, so I guess I 'll continue on that track. Turn it on when I can't stand it.
Alicia: What track is that? The crazy track?
Joe: You know that snot booger I got frozen to the end of my nose like an icicle is only 2 inches long, I'm gonna wait 'til it's 4 inches long.

Unintended dirty talk

Alicia: Did I tell you we had a code at work the other day?

Joe: What's that mean, like a code blue or something?

Alicia: Yeah, when someone isn't breathing and doesn't have a pulse.
So I started to give chest compressions...

Joe: Oh yeah, we had to learn that at the phone company. Don't you find the spot that dips on your breast bone?

Alicia: Right between the nipples.

Joe: I thought it was in some little divit. Wait a minute, okay, I'm feeling my nipples. I guess that's about right.

Alicia: Haaa, that's the quote of the night, "I'm feeling my nipples."

Joe: Yeah, I'm feeling my nipples, I'm kinda weird.

Alicia's fridge

Joe: If you're going to come over tomorrow to watch Top Chef are you going to pick up some dinner on the way?

Alicia: Oh, I guess so.

Joe: What, you don't want to spend the money on dinner or something?

Alicia: No, I just have things here I wanted to eat up.

Joe: What do you mean you've got things you want to eat, I know how your fridge is. You've got a fridge full of bullsh#t. All those cheese sticks and pinto beans or whatever the hell you eat.

Talking about non-functional things in his house.

Joe: So I go to write a thank you note the other day & I realize I ain't got no g#ddamn pen. I went to my pen drawer and all the pens I got in there are all dried up. I can't believe I didn't have a pen that works in this whole house.

So I went to go to the dollar store to buy some pens. I put my sandals on and they fell apart on me. I couldn't believe it. I must have had these sandals for 20 years. I thought maybe I could put a tie wrap on them.

Alicia: There's no way you've had those for 20 years.

Joe: I think so. I got them right after the time when it was kind of squirrly for guys to wear sandals.

Nothing like a good quality family heirloom (sp?)

My dad is what you call thrifty. His sandwich bags get more than one use (this is what I like to call environmentally conscious)

Joe: Aww, I know what I wanted to tell you. I ran out of sandwich bags, but I was looking at the box that they came in and it was from Drug Emporium. What's that been, about 10 years since that store closed? So I've had that same box of sandwich bags for 10 years. Can you believe it?

So Walgreens had sandwich bags on sale this week. There's a 3 box limit, so at the rate I use them I'd have to pass them along to Katie & Anna (granddaughters)

Alright, I'm tired of this stupid talk, I'm goin'.

Alicia: I got my paycheck today.
Joe: From work?
Alicia: (silent pause for a few seconds... in awe of the stupidity of this question) No, from hooking.
Joe: Oh yeah, you caught me off guard. You mean hooking, like looking for your boo.

(he's excited I taught him the slang "boo" for significant other, he's sticking it in his everyday vocabulary. the other day we were watching real housewives of new jersey and he said, "oh, that must be her boo")

Alicia: How was Real Housewives of DC?
Joe: Annoying. All those people are annoying. Everybody tries to out ass-kiss each other.

Once again, highlighting his extensive knowledge of technology:

Last night watching tv there was a commercial on for a cell phone & certain kinds of apps.

Alicia: Hey dad, what kind of app are you going to get?
Joe: Blue

talking about getting blood drawn & how the lab can get so much information from blood.

Joe: I mean, how much stuff is in the blood? It's amazing, isn't it? I don't know how they can tell that stuff, I mean, if you got your blood drawn & it came out yellah (yellow) you'd know something was wrong, but otherwise, how do they know all that stuff?

Joe has bumblebees that have lived under his back porch for years.

Alicia: Here comes another yellow jacket, just making his way home. He's probably sticking up his middle finger at you as he makes his way under the porch.
Joe: Yeah, remember when they used to go in through the corner over there.
Alicia: Yes, they call that the back door. What did you do, spray over there or something?
Joe: Nah, I guess they just decided not to go in that way anymore.
Alicia: I wonder how they remeber to come back here. I mean, they must fly all over the place.
Joe: I don't know, it's weird ain't it? Of all these houses, they know to come back here. They must be smart or somethin.'

Regarding his lunch for work this coming week:

Joe: I ain't goin' all the way to Save A Lot just for lunch meat. I guess I'll get it at Schnucks. I ain't got no lunch meat & ain't got no hot dogs, so I need to get something. (like these are the only options he can have for lunch) I ain't got no lettuce either, but I got pickles, that's right, I got pickles I can use instead of lettuce. You don't want to hear all this sh$t. This is a dumb conversation.

Sometimes Joe calls me at work at prime treatment times when I'm really busy. One time he called me to tell me toilet paper was on sale. Last week he called around 10:30, I had 2 patients & had sweat running down my back.

Joe: Hey, you got white out at home?

joe planted zoysia plugs around his yard back in 1994. ever since then, to this day, he still talks about how that "zoysia is finally taking over."

Joe: I was out pulling some weeds when you called. My grass is looking pretty good. In that bare spot, I finally saw some zoysia runners starting up, so that's good. That zoysia is finally taking over. Looks good. Shit, I'll be Good Housekeeping's hoosier of the month.

a story joe retold last night...

Joe: Some punk kid with his music turned up real loud was driving the wrong way down the lane in the Shop N Save parking lot. I was driving straight towards him & it pissed me off. So I just kept driving right up to him until I got a few feet away. He yelled something out his window like "you gonna move?" In the middle of the lane I shut my car off, walked to the front of my car pointed at him & said 'F#ck you, I ain't movin.' Then I just leaned back on the hood & crossed my arms, then started reading my newspaper.

we were talking about rude people and their cell phone use.

Joe: Did I tell you the story about when I was getting onto 55 at Lindbergh?
Alicia: No, what happened?
Joe: You know how it's a double turn lane, but the one lane is only a short distance then you have to merge? This guy was in the outer lane & talking on his cell phone, not paying any attention to the road. He cut me off, then merging onto 55 he cut off a bunch of other people when the lanes keep merging, no blinker or nuthin.' So I caught up with him & got his attention, he's still talking on his phone. I gave him the "roll down the window" signal. He rolled down his window and looked at me. I told him, "Stick that cell phone up your ass and pay attention to the road."

Alicia: How was Real Housewives of New Jersey?
Joe: It was good. Boy that Danielle is a crazy broad. That Ashley, she's annoying too. She threatened to kill Danielle on a text. That's what they said on the show at least. And that Teresa, boy is she annoying. I can't stand that broad... and her kids. Danielle had her army of thugs with her when she met Dina at a restaurant.
I can't believe I'm even talkin' about this sh#t. Alright, I'm goin', see ya.

Joe: Hey, that mama bird must have had her babies. I'm out here fertilizin' & she keeps bobbing her head, lookin' at me. I just kept going, so she didn't come after me or nuthin.'
Alicia: Awwww.
Joe: Yeah, it's kind of cute, you know? I like cute sh#t.

at dinner w/ joe & grandma last night. joe had a salad to start. regarding his salad fork when he finished the salad, (he doesn't know fork etiquette & wound up w/ too many forks when he was finished w/ his salad):

joe: what, do i turn this back in?
alicia: 'turn this back in?' haaaa. nice wording.


walking by a car with a license plate reading "USCS"

joe: i wonder what that stands for... i know the US, but i wonder what the C is. maybe it's corporol. i hope his name's not corporol tunnel.

over at joe's watching real housewives of new york... they have these chat bubbles that come up on the screen during some commercials. these chat bubbles contain a lot of those texty-type abbreviations.

alicia: hey dad, LMAO!
joe: what's that mean?
alicia: laugh my a$s off.
joe: oh, kind of like LOL,LOL.
alicia: do you know what that means?
joe: hell yes, laugh out loud.
alicia: how did you know that?
joe: i was on my computer before you came over & i was LOLing all over the place.

(The closest thing Joe has to a computer is a touch tone phone)

last week i was showing joe my poison ivy. he was throwing pot shots at me that i wasn't using the right kind of medicated cream. last night i was over at his house:

alicia: how's my poison ivy looking? a lot better, isn't it?
joe: yeah, it looks better. you still using that chocolate sauce bullshit or whatever the hell it is you're putting on it?

Joe: You know, I'm going to buy some plants for the front tomorrow. I looked at my notes from when I planted before and that one plant is a holly. In the picture it shows that them holly bushes have berries, but the one i got now ain't got no berries. I don't give a damn whether it's got berries or not. Shit, berries. I'll tape some gum balls to it & say it's berries.

Joe: What are you up to?
Alicia: Oh, I just got home from work & I'm watching Dancing with the Stars.
Joe: Okay I won't hold you up.
So today I cut the grass, I thought it was going to rain later so I cut it early & that rain didn't really amount to much, then I went over to see Terry, then Roy came over so we talked for a while, he went to the funeral parlor, some guy from assumption died, did you know nettymeyer, yeah his mom died, it was up at kutis, so roy stayed for about an hour, you think you're coming over for housewives, i saw the preview for it & it doesn't look that good, they talk a lot about their kids, maybe you'll come over for new york housewives on thursday, you know that dip i made yesterday for mother's day, it had a good taste didn't it, but i couldn't figure it out why it was sweating in the fridge, i mean it had those chillis on it that could produce moisture, but i woulndn't think that would have much to do with it, it was good though, had a good taste, i wish i would have brought it home i could have had it w/ myt morning coffee, yeah i couldn't figure out that moisture, what would cause that, it had beans, salsa, chillis, sour cream, guacomole, maybe it was the guacomole that's made out of a fruit isn't it, did you have any of those meatballs, boy those were good, that sauce is really good, ................. well i won't hold you up.

random commentary from joe while watching real housewives of new york:

joe: who the hell marries these phony broads?

joe: i'd do the time if i could slug them one. POW!

alicia: did you see when ramona did that catwalk the other week?
joe: yeah, how bout them crazy eyes. and she walks like she's got a milk carton up her a$s.

Joe: You getting ready for Idol?
Alicia: Getting ready? Yeah, I'm getting ready, there's so much to do.
Joe: Who's getting kicked off?
Alicia: I think it'll be the skinny little kid.
Joe: Oh yeah, okay.
Alicia: Do you even watch it? You don't even know who that is, do you?
Joe: No, but I may have to watch it to see the skinny little kid.

regarding a random drug test joe has to do for work tomorrow morning. (last year the amount of urine he produced wasn't enough for the test, so now he's all worried about it):

Alicia: Hello?
Joe: What's your take on how I should handle this pee tomorrow?
Alicia: Well, I'd say to drink about a glass & a half of water before you leave.
Joe: Yeah, okay, I'll do that and then I'll drink a cup when I get there.
Alicia: You might be peeing in your pants.
Joe: I hope so.

Joe: Is there something messed up with the news tonight? Is it on late or somethin?
Alicia: Yeah, it's 1/2 hour late because of Glee.
Joe: Yeah, I'm sittin here watchin it & Sandy Miller comes on at 10 after 10 & says, "watch this story coming up at 10." Shit, it's 10 minutes after 10.
I'm gonna talk to the television and get this straightened out.
Alicia: Haaaaaa
Joe: Alright, I'm outta here, I ain't got time for this bullsh#t.

Joe: What's da deal with this CVS card thing?
Alicia: I'm not sure, I've seen it in their ad, but I don't know what it's talking about.
Joe: This coffee I get is buy one get one free but they ain't got the shittin price on it. They talk about having this card. Lotta their shit in their ads needs a card.
Alicia: I don't know, I know Walgreens has those little booklets of coupons in the store, maybe it's like that.
Joe: I just thought you'd know about it.
Alicia: No, I'm not in the know on that one.
Joe: Yeah, you don't know nuttin.

regarding facebook & how/when people comment on topics:

Joe: So what, do people just sit around on their computer all night and wait to say something?
Alicia: No, it just depends on when they check it if there are any updates or comments about something they said.
Joe: So, yeah, then they're just checking their computer all g#ddamn day long?
Alicia: Well, I think some people can get a noise on their phone every time they have an update.
Joe: I know the noise I'd make. I'd put the phone up to my a$s & blow a big noise. That's the noise I'd make.

Alicia: So what's the surprise for dinner Sunday?
Joe: I ain't tellin' you.
Alicia: What do you mean?
Joe: What do I mean? What the hell do you mean, 'what do i mean?'" I ain't speakin' Vietnamese, I'm speakin' American. And I mean I ain't tellin' you.

Note from Alicia

Sorry all for the no entries. Joe was in Florida, then my computer went on the fritz. He hasn't said anything funny the past few days. I'll keep trying.

Joe: Where do you want to go for dinner?
Alicia: It doesn't matter.
Joe: How bout all you can eat pizza for 3 bucks in Yorkshire?
Alicia: Nah... that sounds like really good quality pizza.
Joe: You get salad & dessert with it. I don't give a shit about quality, it's quantity I'm interested in. I do the 4 by 4.
Alicia: What's that?
Joe: 4 pieces of pizza on 4 plates.

Joe: I tightened up on the nut on the faucet in your basement and then I waited for 10 minutes and it still wasn't leaking.
Alicia: What did you do for 10 minutes, stand there & stare at it to see if it was leaking?
Joe: Yeah, I stuck my eye right up on it. I got back pain now from bending over that long.

Joe: You know, Aldi has toilet paper, 12 double rolls for $5.50. That's about as cheap as you're gonna get it in this day & age. Maybe it's a seasonal item... I doubt it, I mean, people wipe their a$s all year long, don't they?

Watching football this evening w/ Joe & there were several commercials for unlimited cell phone use for $69.99 from verizon & at&t.
Alicia: That's just what Verizon said, $69.99. At&t is a copy cat.
Joe: 69.99 a month?
Alicia: Yeah.
Joe: Shit, for that they better be serving lunch with it... shit.

A lot of times when I call Joe answers by saying, "Hey Sonia," because Sonia is this character he likes on a show called Operation Repo. So today I called & he answers...
Joe: Hey Sonia, or Sabina, or Sierra.
Alicia: What are you talking about?
Joe: You know, Sabina or Sabinah or however you say it.
Alicia: Why did that make you think about when you said that. (I really messed up my sentence structure when I was speaking)
Joe: What, are you speaking caucasian ebonics over there or what?

Alicia: Did you watch Real Housewives of Orange County last night?
Joe: Yeah, I watched it.
Alicia: What happened?
Joe: Oh, those gals were a pain in the ass, as usual.

Joe: I've got this g#ddamn corn kernel stuck in my tooth. The son of a b#tch won't come out. I keep jabbing myself in the gums with this toothpick & I ain't makin' any headway. Let me call you back.

30 seconds later

Joe: It wasn't a corn kernel, I pulled it out & looked at it & said, "this ain't no corn kernel, it's a g#ddamn sweet potato skin. "

Joe calls on a commercial break during The Bachelor:

Joe: If I was that guy I'd give those broads sunflowers instead of roses.

When Joe sneezes it's always violent. I know this is gross, but a lot of times he'll sneeze in his hand & there is nastiness. So, he just called & happened to sneeze.... here's the conversation that followed:
Alicia: How's your hand?
Joe: Aw, I sneezed in the paper, that's what I usually do, then I just turn the page.

Warning: may contain uncomfortable material:

Joe: So you know how I fixed the sink in the brown bathroom... I was cleaning out underneath it and I found some female products.
Alicia: Oh, yikes, those must be really old. What are they, pads?
Joe: I don't even know what they are, they're not those skinny tube things, more like a handkerchief.
Alicia: Oh lord, throw them away.
Joe: I also found some kleenex, I never use them, I just use my wrist. You want 'em?

Alicia: You should have seen The Bachelor last night, it was hilarious.

Joe: I flipped to it for a little while. What, like this guy is going to find the woman of his dreams. He's so full of shit. I like to watch Flavor Flav.  He's an idiot.  That stupid watch around his neck.  What do those gals see in him?

over at joe's for dinner, i was cutting up onion for a salad. joe had made french onion soup & some other things.
Joe: That french onion soup needed 2 pounds of onions. That's a lot of onions.
Alicia: Doesn't it burn your eyes to cut up that many onions.
Joe: No, not really.
Alicia: Well you must be an alien.
Joe: An illegal alien? I always thought they were illegal immigrants. Shit, an alien? I thought they were from Juan Mexico. But they must be from some shittin place like Saturn.