The picture of health

We were at my grandma's nursing home & I was reading the dinner menu outloud:  "braunschwaeger sandwich."

Joe:
You know braunschweger is high in iron.  So is beer.  I read that in my information from my surgery.  A little braunschwaeger, a little beer, a little velveta, sh#t man, I'm the picture of health.

Alicia:  Does velveta have a lot of iron in it?

Joe:  Oh yeah, it's right up there.

Dalai Joe

Joe:  You know how that lady down the street took me to my doctor's appointment and then we went out for coffee afterwards?   I got a real nice Christmas card from her saying happy holidays & she really enjoyed talking to me at coffee because i'm easy to talk to and open. 

Alicia:  Oh, you are?

Joe:  Hell yes.  Alright, I'm gonna put my psychology degree away here & take a leak. 

Holidays filled with pie plates & screamin' knees.

Joe has 2 recipes that call for a 10” pie plate, so he’s been on the hunt for one.   I wish I could have a recording of his conversation because I'm sure I'm missing some of his eloquence.  (He had already looked for the pie plate at Walmart, Kmart, Target, & Big Lots)

Joe:

So I go to the mall to look for this pie plate.  I parked by Penny’s, went in & they ain’t got nuthin.’

So here I’m walking to Macy’s looking around at all these ladies & their old men just following them around, like baby skunks behind their mother.  I thought to myself, “this is the last place Joe Herbst needs to be.  What the hell am I doing here” And my knees are screamin.’

Here I see my buddy Bill.

So we were talkin’ for about a half hour & I says, “Hey Bill, you want to get a seat somewhere, my knees are screamin.’”  So we went to that Starbuck’s & he got us some coffees.  I told him I didn’t want any of that “expresso” bullsh#t, just regular coffee.  So we talked a little more & then he had to go.

So I go prancin’ down to Macy’s and figured out that the pie plates are on the lower level, so I find the escalator & I’m at the up instead of down escalator.  I thought, “g#ddamn, how much time am I going to put into this looking for a g#ddamn pie plate.” 

 So I get to the right section & they ain’t got all their pie plates together, they got them organized by brand, so it’s all Martha Stewart stuff, and then the next brand.  Son of a b#tch, I gotta look through all these products for some sh#ttin pie plate.  Some young kid comes up to me & asks if he can help me.  I thought, “this kid ain’t gonna do me no good,” but I tell him what I’m looking for.  He checked the computer & says they don’t have any at that store but he can order me one.   I told him no & he told me to try Dillards.  Well by this time my knees are really screamin & I just had to get out of there.  I walk way back to my car by Penny’s. 

 I’m driving along Lemay Ferry & see the entrance for Dillards, which I had already passed.  So I go up to Forder, turn around & come back because I just want to get this over with.  I don’t want to spend another day looking for this bullsh#t.

So I go to Dillards & had to get on the escalator, which I walked to the wrong side of again.



Alicia again, not to draw out the story, but profanities ensued & he finally got a 9.5" pie plate & at Big Lots because apparently 10" pie plates don't exist in the STL; the world was happy again.

The Rotation

Thursday night I was over at Joe's & I was hungry, so I had a peanut butter sandwich.  I noticed there was a used toothpick (Joe is very green & recycles lots of things) on the top of the peanut butter jar, which was sitting on the kitchen table.

I went over there today & noticed the toothpick was on a box sitting on the table instead of the jar of peanut butter.  

Alicia:  Oh, I see you did the rotation.

Joe:  Oh yeah, you noticed that, huh?  yeah I turned the table cloth around so the holes wouldn't be where you & Lloyd sat for dinner the other night.

Alicia:  No, no, I don't mean the table cloth, although that's a great move, I mean the rotation of the position of your toothpick.

Joe:  Ha ha ha.  Oh yeah, the other night I was too lazy to turn on the light in the kitchen so I just felt around for something to set the toothpick on, so I put it on that box.
I can't just set it on the table because I'll lose the g#ddamn thing with all those colors in the table cloth.

Alicia:  Ohhhhh, no, you definitely wouldn't want to lose it.

I can see clearly

Alicia:  Alright, I'll let you go, you can get back to watching Hard Core Pawn
Joe:  Nah, I ain't watchin' that, I'm watchin' the ball game.  The Cardinals are winning... I think they're winning, I got my glasses on all cock-eyed.  Hell, I might not even be watchin' the Cardinals, I might be watching' Luciano Pavarotti.

Pop a cap in the gas....cap

Joe:  Did you buy your powerball ticket?  I sure hope I win so I can afford a new gas cap.

Alicia:  What?  You lost one again?  How long ago was that when you lost 2 gas caps in one week?

Joe:  Oh yeah, that must have been 2 years ago.  I couldn't believe it.  The first time I lost one was somewhere around Bayless & 55.  I remember I  parked in the emergency lane & walked all the way up & down the entrance ramp looking for the g#ddamn thing.  Couldn't find it, so I just had to buy a new one.  Then a week later I had just went to that wedding out in the country so I needed gas when I got back.  The next morning I noticed the license plate was down & no gas cap.  I thought, "son of a b$tch.  Joe, you idiot."  So I went back up to the gas station & looked around.  I was cussing & bouncing around like a monkey.  The attendant came on the speaker & said, "sir, can I help you."

The joys of Walmart

Joe:  Boy, you're right about that Walmart being screwed up.  The other day when I went there all I had was 2 containers of mouthwash, so I got in the express lane for 20 items or less.  There's a guy in that lane with a cart full of sh#t & then another couple behind him, then me.  So the guy sets all his sh#t up on the counter & pulls out a wad of cash.  I thought, "oh good, this will go quick since he's payin' with cash." Winds up he doesn't have enough money, so he's asking the cashier how much things cost to take off the bill.  I'm gettin' aggravated, see.  The couple behind him rolled their eyes.  Finally I said to the guy "You gotta be sh#ttin' me, you mean you don't know how much that sh#t cost when you pull it off the shelf."  I went to another lane.  When I was walking out the guy was still at the cash register.  I waved my hand at him, like "you're an idiot."

Oh how I egg him on

Joe:  I been on this g#ddamn phone all night.  I'm trying to watch the hockey game & I keep gettin' all these g#ddamn calls.  I got sweat comin' out of my ears I been talkin' so long.

Alicia: Who's been calling?

Joe: Oh, Tom from that reunion I just went to. 
(Alicia here, I had never heard this guy's name before 2 weeks ago, now the guy has called my dad 5 X in the last 2 weeks)

Alicia:  What, are you 2 BFF's now?

Joe:  Hell no, I don't need no BFF.

(If you know Joe, hearing him seriously say "BFF" is freakin' hysterical)

Joe vs. Wasp

Joe:  So today I was driving on 55, taking my time just cruising along & I look over at the passenger side window & there's a wasp.  So you know I got the power windows, so I just rolled the window down.  The wasp must have still been half asleep from the winter because he was kind of lethargic, just rode the window down into the door.  So I thought, "good, he won't be able to get back out."

I look over a couple minutes later, here the son of a b#tch is crawling back up by the window.  So I swatted at him with my brush & broke the g*ddamn brush in half.  He landed on the floor on the passengers side & wasn't moving so I thought it was over.  Looked over a few minutes later & here he's making his way over to me because I pissed him off.  I grabbed my club & started poking at him with that.  All the while I'm going 70 g#ddamn miles an hour down the highway.

Well he was still coming at me, so I hit 'eem with my hand & stunned him. 

Here I'm going down those narrow sh#ttin' lanes in the depressed section trying to hit this wasp with my hand. If I had any g#ddamn sense I would have pulled over.