Duh

(changed names for anonymity)
Alicia:  So how was lunch?
Joe: It was alright.  I sat across from Bertha.  She started talking about all this stuff I didn't understand & I didn't give a sh#t about, and then at the end of her talk she asks me a question, looking for my opinion.  Well, I didn't give a damn about what she was talking about, so I sat there with a dumb look on my face & she's always got that stupid look on her face. 

Joe hearts the mall

Joe:  So I went to the mall to get gift card for the girls.  I just don't see how people do that during the holidays, go to the mall.  The parking lot is crowded & there are people everywhere.  I'd tell 'em, "Here, take this money.  I don't give a sh#t if you wipe your a#s with it, I ain't goin' in no g#ddamn mall."

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Alicia:  So how was Real Housewives this time?
Joe:  Aw, it was kinda boring.  That Kim, I don't know how she affords that trip to Ojai, she looks like she ain't got a pot to piss in.  She looks like she can't afford the recreation room at the Motel 6, let alone some big house in Ojai.

Oh, the obvious

Joe:  Hey, what up?
Alicia:  Oh, I just finished watching Rudolph on tv.
Joe:  Rudolph?  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?

What a turkey

My aunt is having some family members perform a play for Thanksgiving.  She's having my dad play the part of the turkey, so she asked him & me to work on some kind of costume.

Joe:  So I got an oven mitt with a picture of a turkey on it.  I thought I'd just hang that around my neck.

Alicia:  Let me show you what I made.... (I proceed to get out a construction paper turkey tail, a beak w/ a squiggly red hangy thing, and wings)

Joe: okay, let me show you what I got.  (he pulls out the oven mitt)

Alicia:  That's a chicken, not a turkey.

Joe:  Well I'll be g#ddamn.

 

The tv from the '80's

Joe's TV is from the early '80's.  It's one of those wood console tvs.

Joe:  Remember my old stove, how I'd have to give it a good whack to work right?  I got the same issue going on with my tv.  The g#ddamn thing keeps flickerin' and poppin.'

Alicia:  I thought you just needed a new cable box.

Joe:  Nah, winds up it still happens even with the new cable box.  It did it the other day & I said, "this f#cking thing." So, I took my shoe off and went up & gave it a good whack on the side, I was going to use my fist but I thought I might break my g#ddamn hand.  Gave it a whack & what do  you know, the picture came back on.  That lasted a couple hours & it did it again, I gave it a good whack & it stopped.  I know some sh#t.

Joe's kind interactions with other drivers

I was using my new fancy phone in the car on the way home from dinner with Joe:

Alicia:  Does me using this phone remind you of the time you yelled at that guy on highway 55 & told him to "stick that phone up your ass & pay attention to the road'?

Joe:  Ha ha.  Did I tell you about the lady who cut me off the other day on my way to work?

Alicia: Oh boy, no

Joe:  I was on highway 55 & she musta forgot to get over early enough to get off for her exit & she cut me off.  So I layed on the horn & that was that.  Well, the next  day I saw the same car with the same lady, so I knew where she needed to get off, see.  So I just got in the lane next to her & stayed steady with her speed, she sped up I sped up, she slowed down I slowed down.  I wouldn't let her over.  So it was gettin' close to her exit and I could tell she was getting antsy.  She started honking the horn & signalling, I looked over and gave her the finger and kept drivin.'

Long handled sponge

Joe:  So which things do you think I need to buy out of that kit for hip replacement surgery?

Alicia:  Well, you already have the reacher.  It's too bad you have to buy a long handled sponge... seems like such a simple thing.

Joe:  Well I got that sponge on a handle that I use to wash my back,  Why don't you go get it.

(I go downstairs & am looking around in the cabinet, looking for something like a loofah sponge on a stick.  Not finding anything.)

Alicia (yell upstairs):  I can't find it.  What's it look like?

Joe:  It's that blue & white thing.

Alicia: All I see is a blue & white toilet brush.

Joe:  Is that what that is?  I use it for a sponge to wash my back.

(disclaimer:  he's never used it in the toilet, thank God)

Social Life

(names changed for anonymity)
Joe:  So, that one gal, Sally, that I helped out a couple times called & said she broke up w/ her boyfriend.  She said she liked going out & listening to bands.  She asked if I wanted to go with her sometime... I told her I can't right now because I'm all banged up.  Plus I don't really want to get involved. 

Next time she calls I might be doin' something important that weekend, like nuthin'

Svelt Joe

Joe has to get an annual physical for his job as a driver.  He always worries a little about his weight and blood pressure before the physical, so he starts to "watch" his diet about 2 weeks before.

Alicia:  How's the diet coming along?
Joe:  Oh, pretty good.  On Wednesday I just had some breakfast & then all I had to eat the rest of the day was that blue cheese burger and fries from Seamus McDaniels.
Alicia:  Isn't that the day you told me you had 15 beers with your buddy & closed the place down?
Joe:  Oh yeah, and 15 beers....  and tonight all I had was a piece of chicken on a hamburger bun, some pork & beans, & some potato chips, so that's not too bad, is it?

My "old man"

Joe:  Hey, I just wanted to let you know your old man might be losin' it.  I was payin' some bills this morning & I had that check for you sitting out on the kitchen table.  Well, I had a Charter bill, you know, they give you an envelope to mail back.  Here I sealed the envelope & I saw a check sittin on the table & I thought, "G#ddamn, I forgot to put the g#ddamn Charter check in the envelope."  Here, the check on the table was made out to you, but I'm thinking it's Charter's check.  So I opened the sealed envelope & here there's a check for Charter in there already.  Son of a b#tch.

A couple days ago my power was out at night, so I went to Joe's to sleep.  I couldn't fall asleep, so at 1 a.m. I called Ameren UE & my power was back on, so I drove home.

Joe: And then that night you went home from my house, in the morning I went outside to get the paper & didn't see your car out there, but I thought you were still inside sleepin'... I was gettin' ready to go to work, the whole time being quiet because I thought you were sleepin.  Then here the phone rings & it's you calling from your house.  I didn't know how you were doing that.  Your old man, I tell ya, he's slippin.

Joe's pen & Joe's cussing

I was telling Joe about some dates of events coming up, so he was going to write them down on his calendar.  He has one pen of which he is very protective &  always carries with him.

Joe:  Ain't this the sh#ts, I ain't got my godd#mn pen.  Oh Joe, you idiot.  I haven't written anything today.  Here, I guess I'll just use my "doing taxes" pencil. 
    You ain't gonna believe this, I pushed the pencil to the paper & the son of a b#tch just broke off to a 90 degree angle sideways.  I could curse but what the hell good would it do?  Let me get another one of these first class number 2 pencils. 

We hung up.  About 5 minutes later my phone rings.

Joe:  I found it.  It was in my shorts pocket that I wore the other day.  I had my head in my ass for the last 1/2 hour. 

Big Finger

Joe: You know how I cut my finger the other week & it had swollen so big? Well, I tried the other day takin' a needle to it, but nuthin' came out. But today it was so big I tried again, so I stuck the needle in & pushed & that yellow puss sh#t came out up by my fingernail.

Alicia: Did you sterilize the needle? I think you should go to the doctor, what if you have a staph infection.

Joe: I put the needle in soap. A doctor ain't gonna do anything different than what I did, is he?

Alicia: He'd probably put you on antibiotics.

Joe: I don't need no godd#mn antiobiotics. I used to be up on a pole (he was a telephone man) & cut my finger with blood running down & squirrel sh#t all in the cut. I don't need no antibiotics.

Adele

Joe: I wanted to sing you a little song: "He could have had it all..." What is that she says next?
Alicia: It's "We could have had it all. Rolling in the deep."
Joe: Yeah, that's that Adele gal. Is she from the south or something? She's got a drawl, don't she? Or no, maybe it's Canada.
Alicia: (silent pause, in awe) No, not southern... not Canadian... she's British.

Holey pockets, batman

Alicia: I was telling the girls the story about your jeans pockets having holes in them, so you had to put your change in a coin purse so the coins wouldn't fall through the hole. But then the one hole got so big the coin purse would slip through. I was cracking up.

Joe: Well I didn't tell you my latest?

Alicia: Oh boy, no, you didn't.

Joe: Now my hanky slips through the hole in my jeans pocket. I start feelin' somethin' weird on my leg & figure out it's my hanky. So I don't want to look all squirrly jiggling my leg around to try to get it out, so I just let it go.

Alicia: Why don't you just reach through the hole & grab it?

Joe: It's half way down my leg. I just have to wait for it to come out. I got smart, though, see, & I started putting my hanky & my keys in my back pocket. I showed 'em. Only bad thing is when you sit down on the godd#mn things.

Kmart Chickens

Joe:
So you know how I was going to get those eggs that were on sale at Kmart this week? So I go there on Monday, the day after the sale starts, and they're out of them already. Typical.
How could they be outta them that soon into the sale? I mean, what, do they only got one chicken out back shittin' out eggs or what?