The joys of Walmart

Joe:  Boy, you're right about that Walmart being screwed up.  The other day when I went there all I had was 2 containers of mouthwash, so I got in the express lane for 20 items or less.  There's a guy in that lane with a cart full of sh#t & then another couple behind him, then me.  So the guy sets all his sh#t up on the counter & pulls out a wad of cash.  I thought, "oh good, this will go quick since he's payin' with cash." Winds up he doesn't have enough money, so he's asking the cashier how much things cost to take off the bill.  I'm gettin' aggravated, see.  The couple behind him rolled their eyes.  Finally I said to the guy "You gotta be sh#ttin' me, you mean you don't know how much that sh#t cost when you pull it off the shelf."  I went to another lane.  When I was walking out the guy was still at the cash register.  I waved my hand at him, like "you're an idiot."

Oh how I egg him on

Joe:  I been on this g#ddamn phone all night.  I'm trying to watch the hockey game & I keep gettin' all these g#ddamn calls.  I got sweat comin' out of my ears I been talkin' so long.

Alicia: Who's been calling?

Joe: Oh, Tom from that reunion I just went to. 
(Alicia here, I had never heard this guy's name before 2 weeks ago, now the guy has called my dad 5 X in the last 2 weeks)

Alicia:  What, are you 2 BFF's now?

Joe:  Hell no, I don't need no BFF.

(If you know Joe, hearing him seriously say "BFF" is freakin' hysterical)

Joe vs. Wasp

Joe:  So today I was driving on 55, taking my time just cruising along & I look over at the passenger side window & there's a wasp.  So you know I got the power windows, so I just rolled the window down.  The wasp must have still been half asleep from the winter because he was kind of lethargic, just rode the window down into the door.  So I thought, "good, he won't be able to get back out."

I look over a couple minutes later, here the son of a b#tch is crawling back up by the window.  So I swatted at him with my brush & broke the g*ddamn brush in half.  He landed on the floor on the passengers side & wasn't moving so I thought it was over.  Looked over a few minutes later & here he's making his way over to me because I pissed him off.  I grabbed my club & started poking at him with that.  All the while I'm going 70 g#ddamn miles an hour down the highway.

Well he was still coming at me, so I hit 'eem with my hand & stunned him. 

Here I'm going down those narrow sh#ttin' lanes in the depressed section trying to hit this wasp with my hand. If I had any g#ddamn sense I would have pulled over. 

Duh

(changed names for anonymity)
Alicia:  So how was lunch?
Joe: It was alright.  I sat across from Bertha.  She started talking about all this stuff I didn't understand & I didn't give a sh#t about, and then at the end of her talk she asks me a question, looking for my opinion.  Well, I didn't give a damn about what she was talking about, so I sat there with a dumb look on my face & she's always got that stupid look on her face. 

Joe hearts the mall

Joe:  So I went to the mall to get gift card for the girls.  I just don't see how people do that during the holidays, go to the mall.  The parking lot is crowded & there are people everywhere.  I'd tell 'em, "Here, take this money.  I don't give a sh#t if you wipe your a#s with it, I ain't goin' in no g#ddamn mall."

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Alicia:  So how was Real Housewives this time?
Joe:  Aw, it was kinda boring.  That Kim, I don't know how she affords that trip to Ojai, she looks like she ain't got a pot to piss in.  She looks like she can't afford the recreation room at the Motel 6, let alone some big house in Ojai.

Oh, the obvious

Joe:  Hey, what up?
Alicia:  Oh, I just finished watching Rudolph on tv.
Joe:  Rudolph?  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?