Real Housewives... again. It really gets him in a tizzy.

Alicia: Yo, what's up?
Joe: (in a girl voice, imitating the gal Kyle on Real Housewives) Oh, you know I am so stressed out. My housekeeper called and can't be here this week. I don't know how I'm going to get to Napa with all the things I have to do. No one is here to kiss my a#$.

(now Joe in his own voice): I got my 2 middle fingers pointing at the tv. I can't believe these broads.

Real Housewives

Watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills earlier this week:

Joe: Can you believe how dolled up these gals get to hang around their house? Sh*t, I been in the same sweat pants and sweat shirt all g*ddman week.

(He was also in a stocking cap & his footies)

It's cold

Joe: You goin' out bummin' today?
Alicia: Yes I am
Joe: Boy, it's cold out, windy & cold.
Alicia: Yeah, you have your heat on yet?
Joe: It ain't THAT cold.
I'm seriously considering it.
Alicia: What, do you have some Council over there you're discussing it with?
Joe: Well, I was looking at my gas bills from last year, & this is about the same time I turned it on last year, so I guess I 'll continue on that track. Turn it on when I can't stand it.
Alicia: What track is that? The crazy track?
Joe: You know that snot booger I got frozen to the end of my nose like an icicle is only 2 inches long, I'm gonna wait 'til it's 4 inches long.

Unintended dirty talk

Alicia: Did I tell you we had a code at work the other day?

Joe: What's that mean, like a code blue or something?

Alicia: Yeah, when someone isn't breathing and doesn't have a pulse.
So I started to give chest compressions...

Joe: Oh yeah, we had to learn that at the phone company. Don't you find the spot that dips on your breast bone?

Alicia: Right between the nipples.

Joe: I thought it was in some little divit. Wait a minute, okay, I'm feeling my nipples. I guess that's about right.

Alicia: Haaa, that's the quote of the night, "I'm feeling my nipples."

Joe: Yeah, I'm feeling my nipples, I'm kinda weird.

Alicia's fridge

Joe: If you're going to come over tomorrow to watch Top Chef are you going to pick up some dinner on the way?

Alicia: Oh, I guess so.

Joe: What, you don't want to spend the money on dinner or something?

Alicia: No, I just have things here I wanted to eat up.

Joe: What do you mean you've got things you want to eat, I know how your fridge is. You've got a fridge full of bullsh#t. All those cheese sticks and pinto beans or whatever the hell you eat.

Talking about non-functional things in his house.

Joe: So I go to write a thank you note the other day & I realize I ain't got no g#ddamn pen. I went to my pen drawer and all the pens I got in there are all dried up. I can't believe I didn't have a pen that works in this whole house.

So I went to go to the dollar store to buy some pens. I put my sandals on and they fell apart on me. I couldn't believe it. I must have had these sandals for 20 years. I thought maybe I could put a tie wrap on them.

Alicia: There's no way you've had those for 20 years.

Joe: I think so. I got them right after the time when it was kind of squirrly for guys to wear sandals.

Nothing like a good quality family heirloom (sp?)

My dad is what you call thrifty. His sandwich bags get more than one use (this is what I like to call environmentally conscious)

Joe: Aww, I know what I wanted to tell you. I ran out of sandwich bags, but I was looking at the box that they came in and it was from Drug Emporium. What's that been, about 10 years since that store closed? So I've had that same box of sandwich bags for 10 years. Can you believe it?

So Walgreens had sandwich bags on sale this week. There's a 3 box limit, so at the rate I use them I'd have to pass them along to Katie & Anna (granddaughters)

Alright, I'm tired of this stupid talk, I'm goin'.