Social Life

(names changed for anonymity)
Joe:  So, that one gal, Sally, that I helped out a couple times called & said she broke up w/ her boyfriend.  She said she liked going out & listening to bands.  She asked if I wanted to go with her sometime... I told her I can't right now because I'm all banged up.  Plus I don't really want to get involved. 

Next time she calls I might be doin' something important that weekend, like nuthin'

Svelt Joe

Joe has to get an annual physical for his job as a driver.  He always worries a little about his weight and blood pressure before the physical, so he starts to "watch" his diet about 2 weeks before.

Alicia:  How's the diet coming along?
Joe:  Oh, pretty good.  On Wednesday I just had some breakfast & then all I had to eat the rest of the day was that blue cheese burger and fries from Seamus McDaniels.
Alicia:  Isn't that the day you told me you had 15 beers with your buddy & closed the place down?
Joe:  Oh yeah, and 15 beers....  and tonight all I had was a piece of chicken on a hamburger bun, some pork & beans, & some potato chips, so that's not too bad, is it?

My "old man"

Joe:  Hey, I just wanted to let you know your old man might be losin' it.  I was payin' some bills this morning & I had that check for you sitting out on the kitchen table.  Well, I had a Charter bill, you know, they give you an envelope to mail back.  Here I sealed the envelope & I saw a check sittin on the table & I thought, "G#ddamn, I forgot to put the g#ddamn Charter check in the envelope."  Here, the check on the table was made out to you, but I'm thinking it's Charter's check.  So I opened the sealed envelope & here there's a check for Charter in there already.  Son of a b#tch.

A couple days ago my power was out at night, so I went to Joe's to sleep.  I couldn't fall asleep, so at 1 a.m. I called Ameren UE & my power was back on, so I drove home.

Joe: And then that night you went home from my house, in the morning I went outside to get the paper & didn't see your car out there, but I thought you were still inside sleepin'... I was gettin' ready to go to work, the whole time being quiet because I thought you were sleepin.  Then here the phone rings & it's you calling from your house.  I didn't know how you were doing that.  Your old man, I tell ya, he's slippin.

Joe's pen & Joe's cussing

I was telling Joe about some dates of events coming up, so he was going to write them down on his calendar.  He has one pen of which he is very protective &  always carries with him.

Joe:  Ain't this the sh#ts, I ain't got my godd#mn pen.  Oh Joe, you idiot.  I haven't written anything today.  Here, I guess I'll just use my "doing taxes" pencil. 
    You ain't gonna believe this, I pushed the pencil to the paper & the son of a b#tch just broke off to a 90 degree angle sideways.  I could curse but what the hell good would it do?  Let me get another one of these first class number 2 pencils. 

We hung up.  About 5 minutes later my phone rings.

Joe:  I found it.  It was in my shorts pocket that I wore the other day.  I had my head in my ass for the last 1/2 hour. 

Big Finger

Joe: You know how I cut my finger the other week & it had swollen so big? Well, I tried the other day takin' a needle to it, but nuthin' came out. But today it was so big I tried again, so I stuck the needle in & pushed & that yellow puss sh#t came out up by my fingernail.

Alicia: Did you sterilize the needle? I think you should go to the doctor, what if you have a staph infection.

Joe: I put the needle in soap. A doctor ain't gonna do anything different than what I did, is he?

Alicia: He'd probably put you on antibiotics.

Joe: I don't need no godd#mn antiobiotics. I used to be up on a pole (he was a telephone man) & cut my finger with blood running down & squirrel sh#t all in the cut. I don't need no antibiotics.

Adele

Joe: I wanted to sing you a little song: "He could have had it all..." What is that she says next?
Alicia: It's "We could have had it all. Rolling in the deep."
Joe: Yeah, that's that Adele gal. Is she from the south or something? She's got a drawl, don't she? Or no, maybe it's Canada.
Alicia: (silent pause, in awe) No, not southern... not Canadian... she's British.

Holey pockets, batman

Alicia: I was telling the girls the story about your jeans pockets having holes in them, so you had to put your change in a coin purse so the coins wouldn't fall through the hole. But then the one hole got so big the coin purse would slip through. I was cracking up.

Joe: Well I didn't tell you my latest?

Alicia: Oh boy, no, you didn't.

Joe: Now my hanky slips through the hole in my jeans pocket. I start feelin' somethin' weird on my leg & figure out it's my hanky. So I don't want to look all squirrly jiggling my leg around to try to get it out, so I just let it go.

Alicia: Why don't you just reach through the hole & grab it?

Joe: It's half way down my leg. I just have to wait for it to come out. I got smart, though, see, & I started putting my hanky & my keys in my back pocket. I showed 'em. Only bad thing is when you sit down on the godd#mn things.