Xrays

Joe: I needed to pick up a copy of my Xrays from St. Anthony's but they don't give you no paper Xrays... now they come on some kind of disc. I got 'em sittin' on the table now, I haven't even opened the envelope or looked at them. Sh#t, I guess I couldn't see 'em anyway if they're on a disc. Maybe if I hold it up to the light.

Joe & Obama... J going to see O speak

Joe: So I guess this thing w/ Obama bein' in town is on the up & up b/c my friends just called to find out my full name & social security number. I guess they gotta check you out before you go & make sure you're not some nut job.

Alicia: What do you think they're going to find when they look you up?

Joe: Hell, Obama might seek me out as his next Vice President. Or I might be in charge of the Department of Education.

Alicia: Oh yeah, what are you going to educate people on?

Joe: Common sense. Sh#t, I might travel coast to coast to educate the public on the Walnut Park theory. (neighborhood where Joe grew up)

Joe's softer side

Alicia: So I watched the tape of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that you brought over. That episode wasn't that good. Not much happened.

Joe: Nah, it was just all that emotional sh#t with Taylor.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere

Alicia: Did you watch Real Housewives? How was it?

Joe: Yeah I watched it. Nothing really happened on this episode but the season highlights look like it's going to be really good. Boy, that Paul, Adrienne's husband is a goof. He's got this mustache now. His face looks like somebody's butt. That mustache. Plus he's an a$%hole.

Water has emotions

Joe: So I found out what was wrong with your toilet. There was a broken up rubber washer stuck in the fluid master. So when your toilet was refilling, the water had a hard time gettin' around that broken up sh*t. That water was probably pissed off it had to fight so hard to get around that sh*t.

(ps. he's not literally talking about sh#t. he's talking about the rubber washer remnants)

Call Waiting

Joe: Hey I saw you called earlier, but I was on the phone & I didn't want to click over. I'm going to do that from now on... I'm going to stop clicking over if I've got another call. Not because I don't want to be rude. I don't care about being rude... I'm rude all the time.

Nutrition 101 passed Joe right on by

Joe: So you know I got this physical for the Brewery coming up on Friday, so I'm going to try to watch what I eat until then. I'd like to be down about 5 more pounds so it helps my blood pressure.

I'm meeting up with my buddy on Monday at the Blarney Stone. I'm only going to drink a bucket, so 6 beers, that's okay isn't it? And usually I get a 16" pizza, but maybe I won't do that. I guess I could get chicken wings instead, that'd be okay wouldn't it?

Alicia: Chicken wings? Are you kidding?

Joe: Well, what then?

Alicia: How about some grilled chicken.

Joe: Okay, yeah, I could do that, a grilled chicken sandwich and fries.
What about dinners this week?

Alicia: Try to stay away from foods with a lot of sodium in them.

Joe: Okay, so no tuna fish. Could I have a hot dog?

Alicia: No.

Joe: How bout a pot pie.

Alicia: No

Joe: Well what the hell can I eat?

Tomatoes

Joe: Did I tell you about the deal I had at Shop N Save with the tomatoes?

Alicia: No, haven't heard that one.

Joe: So I went there to get tomatoes for a salad & they had roma tomatoes for $1.49/pound, that's what the sign said. So when I got up to the cash register, they rang up for $1.69/pound. I thought, "ain't that the sh#ts, but I ain't gonna say nothin' for 20 sh#ttin' cents." So 2 weeks later I go there for tomatoes, the sign said $1.49/pound. Get up to the cash register & g#ddamn if they didn't ring up for $1.69/pound again.

So I told the cashier that the sign said they were $1.49 & I was here 2 weeks ago & the same g#ddamn thing happened. I told them they better change that sign, it's been 2 weeks.

I kept my receipt. I'm going up there today to buy tomatoes. I'm going straight to the tomato section to see what the sign says & if it's $1.49, I'm going to go to customer service & say, "hey, how much are your tomatoes going for?"

If it rings up wrong again they're going to have to call the security guard 'cuz I'm gonna be pissed.

A big day for Joe

Alicia: How was lunch with your buddies yesterday?

Joe: It was good. We got there around 11 & stayed until about 3. I only had 5 beers over 4 hours so that wasn't too bad. After I left there I went to Walgreens & was right by my other buddy's house, so I went over to his place to see how he was doing. He had people over & invited me to stay. So we had some beers. Next thing you know it's 1 am. I had about 10 beers over there, so it was a big day for me.

I woke up the next morning & I felt like sh#t, boy.

Real Housewives of New York

Alicia: Hey, did you watch Real Housewives this week?
Joe: Yeah, I watched it. It was alright. You know they were in Morocco. That Ramona, she's really a loose cannon. She gets real wound up about stuff & boy, those eyes are going 15 different directions.

Cataract Surgery

Joe: Yeah, it was a really pleasant experience. They take you in these cubicles for prep & you can hear all these nurses talking to the other patients. They're real nice. I heard them talking to some of the older people talking all that silly stuff that old people like. The old people eat that sh#t up.

No sugar coating, Joe speaks the truth.

Joe: So the nurse from the cataract surgery center called to get my medical history. She asked if I smoke or drink. I said, 'Speaking of drinkin, I got a question for you. I got a drinkin' deal with my friends from when I was a kid comin' up the Saturday before my surgery. You think it would be okay if I drank at that? I don't have to drink as much as I usually would.'

Nurse: Well how much are you planning on drinking?

Joe: Oh, 'bout 12-15 beers.

The mall & shopping

Joe: I was talking to Angie & she told me how there were some nice men's sweaters at the mall. I told her I wasn't interested. She asked where I shop for clothes. I said, "Shop for clothes? Why would I shop for clothes? I got clothes."

Joe's upcoming birthday

Alicia: Gosh, so you'll be 64 coming up on Wednesday. Can you believe it? Just think when you turn 70, that'll be really old. I don't think I'll believe it. Joe: Yeah, I just hope I don't get sick or stupid.

Skinny Jeans

Joe & I went to lunch today: Alicia: See how all these girls wear those skinny jeans? Do you know what those are? Joe: Yeah, I see gals wear those all the time on tours at the Brewery. They're real tight, right? They're like a leotard. Alicia: (long pause)...... yeah, just like a leotard.

Joe & HBO

Alicia: Hey, what are you up to?
Joe: Oh, nuttin' much. I'm gonna watch this Bill Mahr show coming up here soon.
Alicia: Oh yeah, what channel is that on?
Joe: HBO
Alicia: HBO? I thought you just had that as a promotional deal & had to call & cancel this week.
Joe: Well I did, but they got some hustle bullsh#t going on. They talked me into keeping it. To get the cable I used to have, which is Basic & Expanded, it would be more than I'm payin' now w/ the HBO & Cinemax.
I'm gettin' wise to their sh#t. They raise your regular cable to higher than this promotional deal, so your cable is higher than it was originally. So it's cheaper to get it with HBO.
They get you on this merry-go-round of sh#t.

A show at the optometrist

Joe: So I went to get those new glasses today with my new prescription. This suave guy comes out in this tie and starts giving me his lines, trying to sell me all that tint bullsh#t. I thought, I'm going to get this guy's attention. I told him, "Buddy, let me tell you what I want. I want just what I got on my face with new lenses." Then he starts saying I can get the no line bifocals and all this bullsh#t. I told him "you're going to have to sell me a brace or something to keep my head up if I'm going to keep listening to all this." They can fish people in with all that sh#t.
He started to see things my way.

Taxes

Joe: I worked on your taxes today.
Alicia: Did you double check it on Turbo Tax?
Joe: Hell yes, I turbo taxed all over the place.
I don't get it. With turbo tax you still have to input all the numbers, it just calculates it for you. When you do it by hand you just look at the tax tables. It ain't like you got to calculus this & calculus that. That Turbo tax is all bullsh#t.

(To clarify, Joe does not have a computer & he certainly doesn't use Turbo Tax. I was just egging him on. He uses a number 2 pencil and an eraser)

Holy Socks Batman

Alicia: Nice socks.
(they have 5 holes by the toes)
Joe: Aw thanks.
Alicia: Didn't you just get new socks?
Joe: These are my working socks. I'm doing laundry today.
Alicia: So you wear those socks when you "work" doing laundry.
Joe: Nah, I mean my good ones are in the laundry.
Alicia: So is there a hole for each toe on purpose?
Joe: Yeah, these are custom made.

Shoveling

Some names have been changed for anonymity

Joe: Yeah, I went out there yesterday evening to shovel & it was a job, but I was glad I did it then because today, the part I didn't shovel, I can't even move it.... it's just ice. The guy up the street has been out there for about 2 hours today working at his. He ain't makin much headway. And ol' Stan, you know how he moves. (joe does a slow motion of putting a shovel down, scooping, tossing, one swipe at a time) He might as well have a g#ddman spoon out there.

Joe getting the paper in an ice storm

Alicia: So how are you doing, how are you handling this ice?
Joe: Well, it's okay. I stepped outside on the front porch to go get the paper & I could feel it was real slick under my feet, so I went back inside to get my shoes on.

(Every day of Joe's life he goes out to get the paper without any shoes on... ice is no exception apparently)

Alicia: So did you walk down the driveway or the grass?
Joe: Wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about? I didn't put any shoes on, I just went in my barefeet down the grass.

Table talk

Sitting at Applebee's with Joe and Grandma
Joe: Boy, the stock market did bad this week. Well, not the stock market, but AT&T.
Alicia: Oh really, what's it at now?
Joe: 27
Alicia: Why do you think it dropped?
Joe: Well, Verizon came out this week with the news of buying out the I pad, or I phone or E pad or some shittin thing.

Two Copies

Joe: Can you make some copies of a few papers for me?
Alicia: Sure, whatcha got?
Joe: (has 10 items he whips out that he needs copies of) I need 2 copies of this, 2 copies of this, 2 copies of this, 2 copies of this. Two copies of everything really. Two copies of this, two copies of this.
Alicia: Hold on, hold on.... so you need 2 copies of this? And 2 copies of this? How many copies of this?

(shoot me now)

Sunshine

Joe: What's up, what're you doing?
Alicia: Sitting here on the deck reading in the sunshine. It's nice out here.
Joe: Who are you sh#ttin? What, your Raynaud's ain't kickin in?
Alicia: No, it's actually kind of warm in the sun, I just took my sweatshirt off, only wearing a t-shirt.
Joe: Aww, b#llshit, like you're Wonderwoman or something.
Alicia: It's not bad, have you been out?
Joe: I been out about 3 times to the mailbox dealing with this MetLife stuff. Yeah, who are you kidding, like you're the Lois Lane of your street. You're the biggest wuss of Buckley Rd.
Alicia: Haaaa.

wrapping it up:
Alicia: You need to get outside, quit being such a sissy.
Joe: Yeah right.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, again, Joe was giving me a little recap from last week's episode:

Joe: So they had this party at Kyle's house. I don't get it, everyone rolls up in these limos. What's da deal with these limos? Ain't anybody got a g#ddamn car?

Zit

Joe: You ever get a zit on your eyebrow? They're kinda painful. I rub my finger across it & it's real hard. I go into the bathroom to pop it but the son of a b#tch don't pop.

Joe reads a book

Joe: Guess what I got today? That book, "Dethroning the King," from the library.
Alicia: Wow, a book? When is the last time you read a book?
Joe: I don't know, 7th grade... nah, I don't really know. But, so far I just want to keep reading, it's good.
I like it, but it ain't like I'm going to start reading books now, I just don't do that. I read the paper.
Alicia: But what about Danielle Steel?
Joe: What about Danielle Steel? That's all that bullsh%t, isn't it? What about a book about Roberto Duran, I'd read that.
Alright, I ain't got time for this bullsh*t, I gotta go watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Phone call

I was over at Joe's & the phone rang:
Joe: Let me answer this, these people have been calling about 3 times a day for 2 months & I either don't answer or I pick it up and hang up right away.

(all I hear is the receiving end of the conversation)

Joe:
Just fine.
Yeah.
I tell ya, I'm retired from Southwestern Bell so I get all that stuff for free.
$8.42 a month.
Yeah, I got long distance, I got call waiting, I got all that stuff you mentioned for $8.42/month.
Naw, I ain't got no computer.
Am I going to get one? Well if I ain't got one so far I ain't gonna get one. I'm doin just fine.
Say what?
Now listen, you people have been calling me every day for 2 months... is this conversation going to put an end to those calls?
Well I don't want someone calling me back within 30 days, I don't give a sh#t if it takes that long to process through your system. I'm gonna trust that you'll get my name off that list & I won't receive any more calls. I'm on the no call list & I was going to put in a complaint with the state about you guys, but I thought having this conversation would end it.
Alright, see ya.

Alicia: Haaa, I liked the part about the computer. Who was that?
Joe: Charter, some bullsh#t call. I can get this for $80, and I can get this for $90. What, was he my dad asking me when I'm going to get a computer.

External Hard Drive

I need a new computer, so I was looking at the Best Buy ad:

Alicia: Hey Dad, what's an external hard drive?

Joe: Oh, uh, an external hard drive? That's where the steering on your car is a little tricky & it's hard to maneuver, so you have to park your car on the street instead of in the garage.