Joe: Let me see what we can watch on tv when you come over on New Year's Day. Ohh, Pawn Stars is on the history channel.
Alicia: What's that?
Joe: It's a show where people bring in sh#t to a pawn shop and argue about what it's worth. The one hoosier thinks it's worth $2500, but they offer him $100. It's kinda interesting because some of the stuff they bring in is unique sh#t.

Joe: Hey, I noticed when I was pulling out of your driveway there was a wet spot about a foot in diameter. I got out & looked at it, ran my finger through it. If it was antifreeze I would have been able to tell from the color or taste.
Alicia: You tasted it? What if a big cat just walked by right before & peed.
Joe: It must have drank a lot b/c it was a big spot.

Joe: So I kinda made myself look stupid today.
Alicia: Oh yeah, how so?
Joe: You know how you get those ads in the mail. There was one for Little Caesar's & it said, 'help celebrate 2' then it had a picture of a pizza, then it had a '1,' then it had a picture of another pizza. I thought, 'what the hell does that mean, is it 2 for one or what?' So I called up there & said, 'hey buddy, what's da deal w/ dis ad..... etc...." The guy got the manager. The manager said that the pizzas represent zeros & it means 2-0-1-0 for new years.

Joe: So today I had to figure out what food I'm going to make for these 3 events coming up. For the one event we're supposed to make an hors d'oeuvres. I don't make no celery or some sh%t like that.
Alicia: I think by hors d'oeuvres they probably mean appetizers.

Alicia: You didn't turn your heat off, did you?
Joe: Yeah, I turned it off this morning.
Alicia: You did?!? But, it's freezing.
Joe: Freezing? It's supposed to be in the 40's tomorrow.
Alicia: Is it cold in there?
Joe: Nah, it's warm in here. I'm sittin' around in my underwear. I got a thong on.

and lastly, i couldn't stop laughing b/c we were watching tv & he had his legs crossed & i could see the bottom of his footies. he's right. there are more holes than material. we were trying to have a serious conversation & he's in the darn stocking cap & those footies where his whole sole of his foot is exposed.
i asked him what the point of those footies were. he said they're warm & easy to put on.

don't you put all socks on the same way?

A lot of times Joe calls me & we do 3 way calling to call my sister. I was over at Joe's tonight for dinner & we decided to call my sister. I was sitting right next to him while he was dialing. After he dialed he quickly hit the dial tone button to click over to me, but he wound up hanging up on the call. I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I thought you were at home."

Went to Joe's for dinner tonight. He was rooting around in the fridge for stuff to make his lunch for tomorrow. He's in his sweatshirt, stocking cap, sweat pants & those darn footies that "got more holes than they do material."
Joe: I'm like a g#ddamn jackrabbit over here. I keep bouncing from one thing to the other. This kind of cheese, that kind of cheese, I can't make up my g#ddamn mind

A discussion about Real Housewives of Orange County (this one's going out to you, otto)
Joe: Boy, Lynn's husband is kinda stupid. What's his name, Frank? He reminds me of Jake from Once and Again and he was an idiot. And that Lynn, I don't know what it is about her. Sometimes she looks like she ain't got no teeth. What the hell, did her dentures fall out or something. But then sometimes she looks hot.
Alicia: What was the deal with that guy that came to date Vickie's daughter?
Joe: I don't know, Vickie met his mom at some insurance convention in Hawaii or some shittin place like that.

Joe: It's supposed to be 12 degrees tomorrow night.
Alicia: You going to turn your heat on finally?
Joe: I'll probably turn it on tomorrow sometime. It's not too bad in here now, it must have warmed up this afternoon because this morning the metal thing on the thermostat was lower than the range of the thermostat, but now it's back up to 50 degrees.

Alicia: So how was Khloe Kardashian's wedding?
Joe: Awww, it was alright. It was real cheesy. Boy, those Kardashians, what a bunch of goofballs... all of them.

I just called Joe to ask him about something that took place 6 years ago. He kept futzing around when he answered the phone:
Alicia: Why'd you answer the phone all weird?
Joe: I hit the wrong buttons, I got all the lights off except my little Christmas tree.
Alicia: You remember how much ........... was?
Joe: At 9:45 at night 6 years later you want me to remember that? I ain't got a clue.
Alicia: Yeah, okay. I'll talk to you later.

3 minutes later phone rings:
Joe: Hey, I just wanted to let you know when you called before you were interupting me watching Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odon's wedding.

Alicia: Did you turn your heat on yet?
Joe: Oh yeah, I got it on.
Alicia: No you don't, do you?
Joe: Hell no, I ain't a sissy like you.

Alicia: You have your heat on yet?
Joe: Not yeehhh-eehht.

Alicia: So how was the concert at the Pagent last night?
Joe: Awww, it was pretty good but not for me. So loud & everyone was dancing around. And then they hold up their cigarette lighters like they're doing some kind of tribute.
Alicia: You've never seen that before? They've been doing that for years. Now they use their cell phones.
Joe: Anyway, I thought I had a leaking tire on the way home b/c I kept hearing this vaccum noise. So when I got home I got down on all fours & listened to each tire. Each tire had the g#ddamn noise. Looked under the hood & the hood had the g#ddamn noise. Went inside the house & there was still that whistle. I thought, there's no way this whole g#ddamn Colima Court has this whistle... it must be my ears.

Joe: Guess what I had to whip out? Ol' goldie. (joe's button up 1970's gold sweater that he wears in the winter). Yeah, and I got the storm windows up and all the drapes pulled to keep the cold air out. I even used safety pins to close the drapes in my bedroom.
Alicia: Are you wearing your footies?
Joe: Naw, I got my socks & tennis shoes on. I wore my footies the other night... you know, the ones that got more holes than they got material. (he says that every time he talks about them)
Alicia: Yeah, I know. So anyway, you want me to book this flight?
Joe: Okay, let me get my credit card out... hold on, I have to take these gloves off.
Alicia: Are you kidding me, you're wearing gloves?
Joe: Oh, you've done that before too.

Alicia: Rudolph is not on like the tv listings said! I'm about to throw a fit!
Joe: How far you gonna throw it?
Then he laughs hysterically at himself.

Alicia: Yeah, Dave Murray just said it's supposed to get down to 22 degrees tomorrow night.
Joe: 22! geezus, i guess i'll have to turn the heat on.

We were just discussing how unsafe ladders can be, especially when you get up there in age:
Joe: Did I ever tell you about the time I was on the roof & the wind blew the ladder away from the house?
Alicia: Noooo! What did you do?
Joe: I sat on the front side of the roof & waited until one of the neighbors came out of their house.

on the phone w/ joe just now, wrapping it up:
Joe: Alright, are you going to bed soon?
Alicia: Aw, no, you know I'm on the computer & all.
Joe: Yeah, I know, on solitaire and facebook & my best friend & all that bullsh#t.