Joe: Let me see what we can watch on tv when you come over on New Year's Day. Ohh, Pawn Stars is on the history channel.
Alicia: What's that?
Joe: It's a show where people bring in sh#t to a pawn shop and argue about what it's worth. The one hoosier thinks it's worth $2500, but they offer him $100. It's kinda interesting because some of the stuff they bring in is unique sh#t.

Joe: Hey, I noticed when I was pulling out of your driveway there was a wet spot about a foot in diameter. I got out & looked at it, ran my finger through it. If it was antifreeze I would have been able to tell from the color or taste.
Alicia: You tasted it? What if a big cat just walked by right before & peed.
Joe: It must have drank a lot b/c it was a big spot.

Joe: So I kinda made myself look stupid today.
Alicia: Oh yeah, how so?
Joe: You know how you get those ads in the mail. There was one for Little Caesar's & it said, 'help celebrate 2' then it had a picture of a pizza, then it had a '1,' then it had a picture of another pizza. I thought, 'what the hell does that mean, is it 2 for one or what?' So I called up there & said, 'hey buddy, what's da deal w/ dis ad..... etc...." The guy got the manager. The manager said that the pizzas represent zeros & it means 2-0-1-0 for new years.

Joe: So today I had to figure out what food I'm going to make for these 3 events coming up. For the one event we're supposed to make an hors d'oeuvres. I don't make no celery or some sh%t like that.
Alicia: I think by hors d'oeuvres they probably mean appetizers.

Alicia: You didn't turn your heat off, did you?
Joe: Yeah, I turned it off this morning.
Alicia: You did?!? But, it's freezing.
Joe: Freezing? It's supposed to be in the 40's tomorrow.
Alicia: Is it cold in there?
Joe: Nah, it's warm in here. I'm sittin' around in my underwear. I got a thong on.

and lastly, i couldn't stop laughing b/c we were watching tv & he had his legs crossed & i could see the bottom of his footies. he's right. there are more holes than material. we were trying to have a serious conversation & he's in the darn stocking cap & those footies where his whole sole of his foot is exposed.
i asked him what the point of those footies were. he said they're warm & easy to put on.

don't you put all socks on the same way?

A lot of times Joe calls me & we do 3 way calling to call my sister. I was over at Joe's tonight for dinner & we decided to call my sister. I was sitting right next to him while he was dialing. After he dialed he quickly hit the dial tone button to click over to me, but he wound up hanging up on the call. I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I thought you were at home."

Went to Joe's for dinner tonight. He was rooting around in the fridge for stuff to make his lunch for tomorrow. He's in his sweatshirt, stocking cap, sweat pants & those darn footies that "got more holes than they do material."
Joe: I'm like a g#ddamn jackrabbit over here. I keep bouncing from one thing to the other. This kind of cheese, that kind of cheese, I can't make up my g#ddamn mind

A discussion about Real Housewives of Orange County (this one's going out to you, otto)
Joe: Boy, Lynn's husband is kinda stupid. What's his name, Frank? He reminds me of Jake from Once and Again and he was an idiot. And that Lynn, I don't know what it is about her. Sometimes she looks like she ain't got no teeth. What the hell, did her dentures fall out or something. But then sometimes she looks hot.
Alicia: What was the deal with that guy that came to date Vickie's daughter?
Joe: I don't know, Vickie met his mom at some insurance convention in Hawaii or some shittin place like that.

Joe: It's supposed to be 12 degrees tomorrow night.
Alicia: You going to turn your heat on finally?
Joe: I'll probably turn it on tomorrow sometime. It's not too bad in here now, it must have warmed up this afternoon because this morning the metal thing on the thermostat was lower than the range of the thermostat, but now it's back up to 50 degrees.

Alicia: So how was Khloe Kardashian's wedding?
Joe: Awww, it was alright. It was real cheesy. Boy, those Kardashians, what a bunch of goofballs... all of them.

I just called Joe to ask him about something that took place 6 years ago. He kept futzing around when he answered the phone:
Alicia: Why'd you answer the phone all weird?
Joe: I hit the wrong buttons, I got all the lights off except my little Christmas tree.
Alicia: You remember how much ........... was?
Joe: At 9:45 at night 6 years later you want me to remember that? I ain't got a clue.
Alicia: Yeah, okay. I'll talk to you later.

3 minutes later phone rings:
Joe: Hey, I just wanted to let you know when you called before you were interupting me watching Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odon's wedding.

Alicia: Did you turn your heat on yet?
Joe: Oh yeah, I got it on.
Alicia: No you don't, do you?
Joe: Hell no, I ain't a sissy like you.

Alicia: You have your heat on yet?
Joe: Not yeehhh-eehht.

Alicia: So how was the concert at the Pagent last night?
Joe: Awww, it was pretty good but not for me. So loud & everyone was dancing around. And then they hold up their cigarette lighters like they're doing some kind of tribute.
Alicia: You've never seen that before? They've been doing that for years. Now they use their cell phones.
Joe: Anyway, I thought I had a leaking tire on the way home b/c I kept hearing this vaccum noise. So when I got home I got down on all fours & listened to each tire. Each tire had the g#ddamn noise. Looked under the hood & the hood had the g#ddamn noise. Went inside the house & there was still that whistle. I thought, there's no way this whole g#ddamn Colima Court has this whistle... it must be my ears.

Joe: Guess what I had to whip out? Ol' goldie. (joe's button up 1970's gold sweater that he wears in the winter). Yeah, and I got the storm windows up and all the drapes pulled to keep the cold air out. I even used safety pins to close the drapes in my bedroom.
Alicia: Are you wearing your footies?
Joe: Naw, I got my socks & tennis shoes on. I wore my footies the other night... you know, the ones that got more holes than they got material. (he says that every time he talks about them)
Alicia: Yeah, I know. So anyway, you want me to book this flight?
Joe: Okay, let me get my credit card out... hold on, I have to take these gloves off.
Alicia: Are you kidding me, you're wearing gloves?
Joe: Oh, you've done that before too.

Alicia: Rudolph is not on like the tv listings said! I'm about to throw a fit!
Joe: How far you gonna throw it?
Then he laughs hysterically at himself.

Alicia: Yeah, Dave Murray just said it's supposed to get down to 22 degrees tomorrow night.
Joe: 22! geezus, i guess i'll have to turn the heat on.

We were just discussing how unsafe ladders can be, especially when you get up there in age:
Joe: Did I ever tell you about the time I was on the roof & the wind blew the ladder away from the house?
Alicia: Noooo! What did you do?
Joe: I sat on the front side of the roof & waited until one of the neighbors came out of their house.

on the phone w/ joe just now, wrapping it up:
Joe: Alright, are you going to bed soon?
Alicia: Aw, no, you know I'm on the computer & all.
Joe: Yeah, I know, on solitaire and facebook & my best friend & all that bullsh#t.

At the family Thanksgiving celebration tonight we were playing Catch Phrase. The clue was, "a blind singer." Joe yells out, "Santana!"

Joe: Alright, I gotta get going. I gotta take the trash out & I want to eat some pumpkin pie before I sit down and watch Real Housewives of Orange County.

Joe can be such a girl sometimes... other chic shows he has enjoyed in the past: Felicity, Once and Again, Desperate Housewives.

Joe: I finally threw away some of those holey socks I had. They were getting so bad, there were holes in the heels & toes, so when I took my walk I put toilet paper & wrapped it around my toes. I got a g#ddamn blister.
Alicia: Didn't you buy new socks about a month ago when we were at the store?
Joe: Yeah, but I wanted to get all I could out of these socks. I saved them... they'll be good to use as rags to stain your door.

Those landfills love the Herbsts... not much gets thrown away.

last night watching 60 minutes, there was a segment about paleontology & potentially using dinosaur dna & combining it with a chicken to make a dinochicken.joe & i were completely quiet during the first 10 minutes of the segment, when all the sudden he says, "is this makin' any g#ddman sense?"

tonight during dessert, joe was trying to get a new container of cool whip open.
joe: j#sus chr*st! you gotta be a g#ddman bankrobber to get into this thing.

Joe: I'm going to go to Walgreens & get some more of that Cool Water cologne.
Alicia: Maybe you shouldn't wear cologne, I don't like a lot of fragrance.
Joe: Well I ain't takin' you out so you ain't got nuttin' to say about it. ha ha ha.

Joe: I fixed your electric blanket for you.
Alicia: Oh yesssss, how'd you do it?
Joe: Well, there's a bunch of skinny ass wires that run through it. One was broken, so I cut some holes in the blanket & stuck a coat hanger in there to fish out the wire & spliced them together. Then I sewed the holes up.
Alicia: You.... sewed? That's kind of domestic of you, isn't it?
Joe: Domestic, no shit.

Alicia: Hey, what's up?
Joe: Nuttin. I'm just frying up 3 pork chops in bacon grease.
Alicia: Oh, wonderful, sounds healthy.
Joe: I've also got some orange koolaid. But you know, orange koolaid ain't that good. It's not like grape or cherry. It's kind of phony.

anybody know another 62 year old male that drinks orange koolaid?

Joe: So what's the deal with this facebook thing? You can write what you're doing and everyone can see it? I don't get computers. Computers are dumb and people are dumb for using them.

Joe: Hey, there's something else I was going to tell you. You know how I had to call about that federal jury duty tonight after 5:00?
Alicia: uh huh
Joe: It was an automated system & it said "if the first 3 letters of your last name are 'H E R'" which they are
Alicia: oh really? they are? how bout that.
Joe: So anyway, i got that taken care of.
Alicia: any other good information, like the last 4 letters of your last name?
Joe: oh, you don't know that? ..... i'm outta here. see ya.

joe: alright, i gotta go. i don't have time for this bullshit, i gotta watch muhammad ali.

Joe: "Man, I'm stuttering, I've got the heecups."
Alicia: "The what?"
Joe: "Heecups."
Alicia: "So if a female gets them are they 'sheecups'"

he has called hiccups "heecups" for as long as i can remember. and headache is "headik"

Joe: Man, it's cold. I'm sitting here in my sweat shirt, sweat pants, and my footies. These g*ddamn footies got more holes than they do material. I like 'em, though.

Joe: I think I'll get up early on Sunday morning & surprise Terry (joe's friend recently diagnosed with cancer) at mass. He'll appreciate that.
Alicia: You sure are a nice guy.
Joe: No shitski.

Joe: So I got a copy of my itinerary from my trip in case I needed to show it to get out of jury duty.
Alicia: How did you get that? (joe does not have a computer)
Joe: You know, I just dialed a few numbers in the phone & it spit out the other end of the phone.
Alicia: Huh? What do you mean?
Joe: Haa, haaa.

Scenario: Joe thinking he's funny making fun of the fact that he knows little & doesn't own anything that's technologically progressive. Many times he says, "I'll just email goggle." He thinks he's hilarious.... & then I laugh.

We were sitting by my computer writing a bunch of numbers down trying to figure out some tax information. Joe's pen (which he carries everywhere & is very protective of) is acting up & not writing well.
Joe: This g*ddamn pen. The son of a bitch just goes to sleep.

Side note about Joe's love of his pen... he lost his pen in a field at my sister's church in Florida during their winter picnic. He went back on Sunday & combed that field looking for that pen.

Joe: I had a bit of a plumbing issue today. That gooseneck pipe in the brown bathroom is rotten & just fell apart in my hands. So, I've got a plan on how I'm going to fix it.
Alicia: Do you have a shut off valve there, or how are you keeping water from flooding the bathroom?
Joe: Well, I stuck one end of a sock in the hole & the other end in a bucket.

Why

Because my main desire in life is to be like that guy on twitter, I'll post stuff my dad says on this thing.