Pissy at channel 9 fundraising

Joe:  I watched Donnybrook tonight.  It was alright but they had some fundraising on there so that old broad with the witch hazel hair was on there asking for donations.  I can't stand that broad.
The one time I watched when they had people in the background answering phones while they were fundraising & these 3 old hags in the third row were talking to each other & laughing & carrying on.  I called into the 1-800 number and told them to tell those gals to take a hike or somethin.'
Then they keep saying the same line over & over about donating money.  I was going to call in & say, "Can't you people find something else to say.  We're not illiterate out here."

Priorities

Joe:  I just bought some new dress shirts but I'm not wearing one to the funeral on Friday.  I don't wanna be rushin' around to iron the shirt.

Alicia:  Oh, rushing around.  You don't have 10 minutes tomorrow to iron a shirt?

Joe:  My time is limited, you know?  I gotta prioritize my bullshit time.

Joe's post- knee replacement insomnia.

Voicemail I got from Joe:
Leesha, it's dad.  Hey, uh, sometime today when you're running around, if you & Lloyd come out here for the football game, pick me up some sleeping pills, will ya?
Slept good until about 2:00, woke up, had to go to the bathroom, could not go back to sleep, could not go back to sleep.  So I laid there until about 5, got up & took 2 ibuprofen, for some reason, I don't even know what the hell I did that for, I thought, "shit, I'll take some cyanide pills I guess, if I thought they would do some good for somethin.'"  But, uh, my time is off, cuz I just woke up now.  So I don't even know when I fell back asleep.  Everything's just out of whack.  Pick me up somethin.'  You'll figure it out.

Morning routine

Joe was going to drop off a few things for a coleslaw recipe in my car while I was at the gym.

Joe:  You got the recipe printed out?  How much oil & sugar do you need?

Alicia:  Looks like a cup of oil & a cup of sugar. What time do you think you'll be there?

Joe:  Well, you know, after I get my coffee & pick my nose a couple times, I'll be up there around 9:30.

Then I started some unrelated story, going off on a tangent.

Joe:  What's this got to do with the g#ddamn coleslaw?

Cords and Banjos

Names changed for anonymity

Joe:  You know Keith called the other day and asked me how long of a cord he should get for his lawn work.  He's got a 25 foot cord & a 50 foot cord & he's always borrowing my 100 foot cord. 

I told him to get a 100 foot cord so it takes care of the whole lawn.

He said last time he had a 100 foot cord his wife cut through it with the hedge trimmer so he thought he should get a shorter cord.

So he's thinking of getting a shorter cord.  That thing will be stretched out like a g#ddamn banjo string.  He just needs to tell his wife to get her head out of her a$s. 

The picture of health

We were at my grandma's nursing home & I was reading the dinner menu outloud:  "braunschwaeger sandwich."

Joe:
You know braunschweger is high in iron.  So is beer.  I read that in my information from my surgery.  A little braunschwaeger, a little beer, a little velveta, sh#t man, I'm the picture of health.

Alicia:  Does velveta have a lot of iron in it?

Joe:  Oh yeah, it's right up there.

Dalai Joe

Joe:  You know how that lady down the street took me to my doctor's appointment and then we went out for coffee afterwards?   I got a real nice Christmas card from her saying happy holidays & she really enjoyed talking to me at coffee because i'm easy to talk to and open. 

Alicia:  Oh, you are?

Joe:  Hell yes.  Alright, I'm gonna put my psychology degree away here & take a leak.