Svelt Joe

Joe has to get an annual physical for his job as a driver.  He always worries a little about his weight and blood pressure before the physical, so he starts to "watch" his diet about 2 weeks before.

Alicia:  How's the diet coming along?
Joe:  Oh, pretty good.  On Wednesday I just had some breakfast & then all I had to eat the rest of the day was that blue cheese burger and fries from Seamus McDaniels.
Alicia:  Isn't that the day you told me you had 15 beers with your buddy & closed the place down?
Joe:  Oh yeah, and 15 beers....  and tonight all I had was a piece of chicken on a hamburger bun, some pork & beans, & some potato chips, so that's not too bad, is it?

My "old man"

Joe:  Hey, I just wanted to let you know your old man might be losin' it.  I was payin' some bills this morning & I had that check for you sitting out on the kitchen table.  Well, I had a Charter bill, you know, they give you an envelope to mail back.  Here I sealed the envelope & I saw a check sittin on the table & I thought, "G#ddamn, I forgot to put the g#ddamn Charter check in the envelope."  Here, the check on the table was made out to you, but I'm thinking it's Charter's check.  So I opened the sealed envelope & here there's a check for Charter in there already.  Son of a b#tch.

A couple days ago my power was out at night, so I went to Joe's to sleep.  I couldn't fall asleep, so at 1 a.m. I called Ameren UE & my power was back on, so I drove home.

Joe: And then that night you went home from my house, in the morning I went outside to get the paper & didn't see your car out there, but I thought you were still inside sleepin'... I was gettin' ready to go to work, the whole time being quiet because I thought you were sleepin.  Then here the phone rings & it's you calling from your house.  I didn't know how you were doing that.  Your old man, I tell ya, he's slippin.