Joe's pen & Joe's cussing

I was telling Joe about some dates of events coming up, so he was going to write them down on his calendar.  He has one pen of which he is very protective &  always carries with him.

Joe:  Ain't this the sh#ts, I ain't got my godd#mn pen.  Oh Joe, you idiot.  I haven't written anything today.  Here, I guess I'll just use my "doing taxes" pencil. 
    You ain't gonna believe this, I pushed the pencil to the paper & the son of a b#tch just broke off to a 90 degree angle sideways.  I could curse but what the hell good would it do?  Let me get another one of these first class number 2 pencils. 

We hung up.  About 5 minutes later my phone rings.

Joe:  I found it.  It was in my shorts pocket that I wore the other day.  I had my head in my ass for the last 1/2 hour. 

Big Finger

Joe: You know how I cut my finger the other week & it had swollen so big? Well, I tried the other day takin' a needle to it, but nuthin' came out. But today it was so big I tried again, so I stuck the needle in & pushed & that yellow puss sh#t came out up by my fingernail.

Alicia: Did you sterilize the needle? I think you should go to the doctor, what if you have a staph infection.

Joe: I put the needle in soap. A doctor ain't gonna do anything different than what I did, is he?

Alicia: He'd probably put you on antibiotics.

Joe: I don't need no godd#mn antiobiotics. I used to be up on a pole (he was a telephone man) & cut my finger with blood running down & squirrel sh#t all in the cut. I don't need no antibiotics.

Adele

Joe: I wanted to sing you a little song: "He could have had it all..." What is that she says next?
Alicia: It's "We could have had it all. Rolling in the deep."
Joe: Yeah, that's that Adele gal. Is she from the south or something? She's got a drawl, don't she? Or no, maybe it's Canada.
Alicia: (silent pause, in awe) No, not southern... not Canadian... she's British.

Holey pockets, batman

Alicia: I was telling the girls the story about your jeans pockets having holes in them, so you had to put your change in a coin purse so the coins wouldn't fall through the hole. But then the one hole got so big the coin purse would slip through. I was cracking up.

Joe: Well I didn't tell you my latest?

Alicia: Oh boy, no, you didn't.

Joe: Now my hanky slips through the hole in my jeans pocket. I start feelin' somethin' weird on my leg & figure out it's my hanky. So I don't want to look all squirrly jiggling my leg around to try to get it out, so I just let it go.

Alicia: Why don't you just reach through the hole & grab it?

Joe: It's half way down my leg. I just have to wait for it to come out. I got smart, though, see, & I started putting my hanky & my keys in my back pocket. I showed 'em. Only bad thing is when you sit down on the godd#mn things.

Kmart Chickens

Joe:
So you know how I was going to get those eggs that were on sale at Kmart this week? So I go there on Monday, the day after the sale starts, and they're out of them already. Typical.
How could they be outta them that soon into the sale? I mean, what, do they only got one chicken out back shittin' out eggs or what?

Xrays

Joe: I needed to pick up a copy of my Xrays from St. Anthony's but they don't give you no paper Xrays... now they come on some kind of disc. I got 'em sittin' on the table now, I haven't even opened the envelope or looked at them. Sh#t, I guess I couldn't see 'em anyway if they're on a disc. Maybe if I hold it up to the light.

Joe & Obama... J going to see O speak

Joe: So I guess this thing w/ Obama bein' in town is on the up & up b/c my friends just called to find out my full name & social security number. I guess they gotta check you out before you go & make sure you're not some nut job.

Alicia: What do you think they're going to find when they look you up?

Joe: Hell, Obama might seek me out as his next Vice President. Or I might be in charge of the Department of Education.

Alicia: Oh yeah, what are you going to educate people on?

Joe: Common sense. Sh#t, I might travel coast to coast to educate the public on the Walnut Park theory. (neighborhood where Joe grew up)