Joe hearts the mall

Joe:  So I went to the mall to get gift card for the girls.  I just don't see how people do that during the holidays, go to the mall.  The parking lot is crowded & there are people everywhere.  I'd tell 'em, "Here, take this money.  I don't give a sh#t if you wipe your a#s with it, I ain't goin' in no g#ddamn mall."

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Alicia:  So how was Real Housewives this time?
Joe:  Aw, it was kinda boring.  That Kim, I don't know how she affords that trip to Ojai, she looks like she ain't got a pot to piss in.  She looks like she can't afford the recreation room at the Motel 6, let alone some big house in Ojai.

Oh, the obvious

Joe:  Hey, what up?
Alicia:  Oh, I just finished watching Rudolph on tv.
Joe:  Rudolph?  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?

What a turkey

My aunt is having some family members perform a play for Thanksgiving.  She's having my dad play the part of the turkey, so she asked him & me to work on some kind of costume.

Joe:  So I got an oven mitt with a picture of a turkey on it.  I thought I'd just hang that around my neck.

Alicia:  Let me show you what I made.... (I proceed to get out a construction paper turkey tail, a beak w/ a squiggly red hangy thing, and wings)

Joe: okay, let me show you what I got.  (he pulls out the oven mitt)

Alicia:  That's a chicken, not a turkey.

Joe:  Well I'll be g#ddamn.

 

The tv from the '80's

Joe's TV is from the early '80's.  It's one of those wood console tvs.

Joe:  Remember my old stove, how I'd have to give it a good whack to work right?  I got the same issue going on with my tv.  The g#ddamn thing keeps flickerin' and poppin.'

Alicia:  I thought you just needed a new cable box.

Joe:  Nah, winds up it still happens even with the new cable box.  It did it the other day & I said, "this f#cking thing." So, I took my shoe off and went up & gave it a good whack on the side, I was going to use my fist but I thought I might break my g#ddamn hand.  Gave it a whack & what do  you know, the picture came back on.  That lasted a couple hours & it did it again, I gave it a good whack & it stopped.  I know some sh#t.

Joe's kind interactions with other drivers

I was using my new fancy phone in the car on the way home from dinner with Joe:

Alicia:  Does me using this phone remind you of the time you yelled at that guy on highway 55 & told him to "stick that phone up your ass & pay attention to the road'?

Joe:  Ha ha.  Did I tell you about the lady who cut me off the other day on my way to work?

Alicia: Oh boy, no

Joe:  I was on highway 55 & she musta forgot to get over early enough to get off for her exit & she cut me off.  So I layed on the horn & that was that.  Well, the next  day I saw the same car with the same lady, so I knew where she needed to get off, see.  So I just got in the lane next to her & stayed steady with her speed, she sped up I sped up, she slowed down I slowed down.  I wouldn't let her over.  So it was gettin' close to her exit and I could tell she was getting antsy.  She started honking the horn & signalling, I looked over and gave her the finger and kept drivin.'

Long handled sponge

Joe:  So which things do you think I need to buy out of that kit for hip replacement surgery?

Alicia:  Well, you already have the reacher.  It's too bad you have to buy a long handled sponge... seems like such a simple thing.

Joe:  Well I got that sponge on a handle that I use to wash my back,  Why don't you go get it.

(I go downstairs & am looking around in the cabinet, looking for something like a loofah sponge on a stick.  Not finding anything.)

Alicia (yell upstairs):  I can't find it.  What's it look like?

Joe:  It's that blue & white thing.

Alicia: All I see is a blue & white toilet brush.

Joe:  Is that what that is?  I use it for a sponge to wash my back.

(disclaimer:  he's never used it in the toilet, thank God)