Call Waiting

Joe: Hey I saw you called earlier, but I was on the phone & I didn't want to click over. I'm going to do that from now on... I'm going to stop clicking over if I've got another call. Not because I don't want to be rude. I don't care about being rude... I'm rude all the time.

Nutrition 101 passed Joe right on by

Joe: So you know I got this physical for the Brewery coming up on Friday, so I'm going to try to watch what I eat until then. I'd like to be down about 5 more pounds so it helps my blood pressure.

I'm meeting up with my buddy on Monday at the Blarney Stone. I'm only going to drink a bucket, so 6 beers, that's okay isn't it? And usually I get a 16" pizza, but maybe I won't do that. I guess I could get chicken wings instead, that'd be okay wouldn't it?

Alicia: Chicken wings? Are you kidding?

Joe: Well, what then?

Alicia: How about some grilled chicken.

Joe: Okay, yeah, I could do that, a grilled chicken sandwich and fries.
What about dinners this week?

Alicia: Try to stay away from foods with a lot of sodium in them.

Joe: Okay, so no tuna fish. Could I have a hot dog?

Alicia: No.

Joe: How bout a pot pie.

Alicia: No

Joe: Well what the hell can I eat?

Tomatoes

Joe: Did I tell you about the deal I had at Shop N Save with the tomatoes?

Alicia: No, haven't heard that one.

Joe: So I went there to get tomatoes for a salad & they had roma tomatoes for $1.49/pound, that's what the sign said. So when I got up to the cash register, they rang up for $1.69/pound. I thought, "ain't that the sh#ts, but I ain't gonna say nothin' for 20 sh#ttin' cents." So 2 weeks later I go there for tomatoes, the sign said $1.49/pound. Get up to the cash register & g#ddamn if they didn't ring up for $1.69/pound again.

So I told the cashier that the sign said they were $1.49 & I was here 2 weeks ago & the same g#ddamn thing happened. I told them they better change that sign, it's been 2 weeks.

I kept my receipt. I'm going up there today to buy tomatoes. I'm going straight to the tomato section to see what the sign says & if it's $1.49, I'm going to go to customer service & say, "hey, how much are your tomatoes going for?"

If it rings up wrong again they're going to have to call the security guard 'cuz I'm gonna be pissed.

A big day for Joe

Alicia: How was lunch with your buddies yesterday?

Joe: It was good. We got there around 11 & stayed until about 3. I only had 5 beers over 4 hours so that wasn't too bad. After I left there I went to Walgreens & was right by my other buddy's house, so I went over to his place to see how he was doing. He had people over & invited me to stay. So we had some beers. Next thing you know it's 1 am. I had about 10 beers over there, so it was a big day for me.

I woke up the next morning & I felt like sh#t, boy.

Real Housewives of New York

Alicia: Hey, did you watch Real Housewives this week?
Joe: Yeah, I watched it. It was alright. You know they were in Morocco. That Ramona, she's really a loose cannon. She gets real wound up about stuff & boy, those eyes are going 15 different directions.

Cataract Surgery

Joe: Yeah, it was a really pleasant experience. They take you in these cubicles for prep & you can hear all these nurses talking to the other patients. They're real nice. I heard them talking to some of the older people talking all that silly stuff that old people like. The old people eat that sh#t up.

No sugar coating, Joe speaks the truth.

Joe: So the nurse from the cataract surgery center called to get my medical history. She asked if I smoke or drink. I said, 'Speaking of drinkin, I got a question for you. I got a drinkin' deal with my friends from when I was a kid comin' up the Saturday before my surgery. You think it would be okay if I drank at that? I don't have to drink as much as I usually would.'

Nurse: Well how much are you planning on drinking?

Joe: Oh, 'bout 12-15 beers.