Joe: Hey, that mama bird must have had her babies. I'm out here fertilizin' & she keeps bobbing her head, lookin' at me. I just kept going, so she didn't come after me or nuthin.'
Alicia: Awwww.
Joe: Yeah, it's kind of cute, you know? I like cute sh#t.

at dinner w/ joe & grandma last night. joe had a salad to start. regarding his salad fork when he finished the salad, (he doesn't know fork etiquette & wound up w/ too many forks when he was finished w/ his salad):

joe: what, do i turn this back in?
alicia: 'turn this back in?' haaaa. nice wording.


walking by a car with a license plate reading "USCS"

joe: i wonder what that stands for... i know the US, but i wonder what the C is. maybe it's corporol. i hope his name's not corporol tunnel.

over at joe's watching real housewives of new york... they have these chat bubbles that come up on the screen during some commercials. these chat bubbles contain a lot of those texty-type abbreviations.

alicia: hey dad, LMAO!
joe: what's that mean?
alicia: laugh my a$s off.
joe: oh, kind of like LOL,LOL.
alicia: do you know what that means?
joe: hell yes, laugh out loud.
alicia: how did you know that?
joe: i was on my computer before you came over & i was LOLing all over the place.

(The closest thing Joe has to a computer is a touch tone phone)

last week i was showing joe my poison ivy. he was throwing pot shots at me that i wasn't using the right kind of medicated cream. last night i was over at his house:

alicia: how's my poison ivy looking? a lot better, isn't it?
joe: yeah, it looks better. you still using that chocolate sauce bullshit or whatever the hell it is you're putting on it?

Joe: You know, I'm going to buy some plants for the front tomorrow. I looked at my notes from when I planted before and that one plant is a holly. In the picture it shows that them holly bushes have berries, but the one i got now ain't got no berries. I don't give a damn whether it's got berries or not. Shit, berries. I'll tape some gum balls to it & say it's berries.

Joe: What are you up to?
Alicia: Oh, I just got home from work & I'm watching Dancing with the Stars.
Joe: Okay I won't hold you up.
So today I cut the grass, I thought it was going to rain later so I cut it early & that rain didn't really amount to much, then I went over to see Terry, then Roy came over so we talked for a while, he went to the funeral parlor, some guy from assumption died, did you know nettymeyer, yeah his mom died, it was up at kutis, so roy stayed for about an hour, you think you're coming over for housewives, i saw the preview for it & it doesn't look that good, they talk a lot about their kids, maybe you'll come over for new york housewives on thursday, you know that dip i made yesterday for mother's day, it had a good taste didn't it, but i couldn't figure it out why it was sweating in the fridge, i mean it had those chillis on it that could produce moisture, but i woulndn't think that would have much to do with it, it was good though, had a good taste, i wish i would have brought it home i could have had it w/ myt morning coffee, yeah i couldn't figure out that moisture, what would cause that, it had beans, salsa, chillis, sour cream, guacomole, maybe it was the guacomole that's made out of a fruit isn't it, did you have any of those meatballs, boy those were good, that sauce is really good, ................. well i won't hold you up.

random commentary from joe while watching real housewives of new york:

joe: who the hell marries these phony broads?

joe: i'd do the time if i could slug them one. POW!

alicia: did you see when ramona did that catwalk the other week?
joe: yeah, how bout them crazy eyes. and she walks like she's got a milk carton up her a$s.