Xrays

Joe: I needed to pick up a copy of my Xrays from St. Anthony's but they don't give you no paper Xrays... now they come on some kind of disc. I got 'em sittin' on the table now, I haven't even opened the envelope or looked at them. Sh#t, I guess I couldn't see 'em anyway if they're on a disc. Maybe if I hold it up to the light.

Joe & Obama... J going to see O speak

Joe: So I guess this thing w/ Obama bein' in town is on the up & up b/c my friends just called to find out my full name & social security number. I guess they gotta check you out before you go & make sure you're not some nut job.

Alicia: What do you think they're going to find when they look you up?

Joe: Hell, Obama might seek me out as his next Vice President. Or I might be in charge of the Department of Education.

Alicia: Oh yeah, what are you going to educate people on?

Joe: Common sense. Sh#t, I might travel coast to coast to educate the public on the Walnut Park theory. (neighborhood where Joe grew up)

Joe's softer side

Alicia: So I watched the tape of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that you brought over. That episode wasn't that good. Not much happened.

Joe: Nah, it was just all that emotional sh#t with Taylor.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere

Alicia: Did you watch Real Housewives? How was it?

Joe: Yeah I watched it. Nothing really happened on this episode but the season highlights look like it's going to be really good. Boy, that Paul, Adrienne's husband is a goof. He's got this mustache now. His face looks like somebody's butt. That mustache. Plus he's an a$%hole.

Water has emotions

Joe: So I found out what was wrong with your toilet. There was a broken up rubber washer stuck in the fluid master. So when your toilet was refilling, the water had a hard time gettin' around that broken up sh*t. That water was probably pissed off it had to fight so hard to get around that sh*t.

(ps. he's not literally talking about sh#t. he's talking about the rubber washer remnants)

Call Waiting

Joe: Hey I saw you called earlier, but I was on the phone & I didn't want to click over. I'm going to do that from now on... I'm going to stop clicking over if I've got another call. Not because I don't want to be rude. I don't care about being rude... I'm rude all the time.

Nutrition 101 passed Joe right on by

Joe: So you know I got this physical for the Brewery coming up on Friday, so I'm going to try to watch what I eat until then. I'd like to be down about 5 more pounds so it helps my blood pressure.

I'm meeting up with my buddy on Monday at the Blarney Stone. I'm only going to drink a bucket, so 6 beers, that's okay isn't it? And usually I get a 16" pizza, but maybe I won't do that. I guess I could get chicken wings instead, that'd be okay wouldn't it?

Alicia: Chicken wings? Are you kidding?

Joe: Well, what then?

Alicia: How about some grilled chicken.

Joe: Okay, yeah, I could do that, a grilled chicken sandwich and fries.
What about dinners this week?

Alicia: Try to stay away from foods with a lot of sodium in them.

Joe: Okay, so no tuna fish. Could I have a hot dog?

Alicia: No.

Joe: How bout a pot pie.

Alicia: No

Joe: Well what the hell can I eat?