Joe & Obama... J going to see O speak

Joe: So I guess this thing w/ Obama bein' in town is on the up & up b/c my friends just called to find out my full name & social security number. I guess they gotta check you out before you go & make sure you're not some nut job.

Alicia: What do you think they're going to find when they look you up?

Joe: Hell, Obama might seek me out as his next Vice President. Or I might be in charge of the Department of Education.

Alicia: Oh yeah, what are you going to educate people on?

Joe: Common sense. Sh#t, I might travel coast to coast to educate the public on the Walnut Park theory. (neighborhood where Joe grew up)

Joe's softer side

Alicia: So I watched the tape of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that you brought over. That episode wasn't that good. Not much happened.

Joe: Nah, it was just all that emotional sh#t with Taylor.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere

Alicia: Did you watch Real Housewives? How was it?

Joe: Yeah I watched it. Nothing really happened on this episode but the season highlights look like it's going to be really good. Boy, that Paul, Adrienne's husband is a goof. He's got this mustache now. His face looks like somebody's butt. That mustache. Plus he's an a$%hole.

Water has emotions

Joe: So I found out what was wrong with your toilet. There was a broken up rubber washer stuck in the fluid master. So when your toilet was refilling, the water had a hard time gettin' around that broken up sh*t. That water was probably pissed off it had to fight so hard to get around that sh*t.

(ps. he's not literally talking about sh#t. he's talking about the rubber washer remnants)

Call Waiting

Joe: Hey I saw you called earlier, but I was on the phone & I didn't want to click over. I'm going to do that from now on... I'm going to stop clicking over if I've got another call. Not because I don't want to be rude. I don't care about being rude... I'm rude all the time.

Nutrition 101 passed Joe right on by

Joe: So you know I got this physical for the Brewery coming up on Friday, so I'm going to try to watch what I eat until then. I'd like to be down about 5 more pounds so it helps my blood pressure.

I'm meeting up with my buddy on Monday at the Blarney Stone. I'm only going to drink a bucket, so 6 beers, that's okay isn't it? And usually I get a 16" pizza, but maybe I won't do that. I guess I could get chicken wings instead, that'd be okay wouldn't it?

Alicia: Chicken wings? Are you kidding?

Joe: Well, what then?

Alicia: How about some grilled chicken.

Joe: Okay, yeah, I could do that, a grilled chicken sandwich and fries.
What about dinners this week?

Alicia: Try to stay away from foods with a lot of sodium in them.

Joe: Okay, so no tuna fish. Could I have a hot dog?

Alicia: No.

Joe: How bout a pot pie.

Alicia: No

Joe: Well what the hell can I eat?

Tomatoes

Joe: Did I tell you about the deal I had at Shop N Save with the tomatoes?

Alicia: No, haven't heard that one.

Joe: So I went there to get tomatoes for a salad & they had roma tomatoes for $1.49/pound, that's what the sign said. So when I got up to the cash register, they rang up for $1.69/pound. I thought, "ain't that the sh#ts, but I ain't gonna say nothin' for 20 sh#ttin' cents." So 2 weeks later I go there for tomatoes, the sign said $1.49/pound. Get up to the cash register & g#ddamn if they didn't ring up for $1.69/pound again.

So I told the cashier that the sign said they were $1.49 & I was here 2 weeks ago & the same g#ddamn thing happened. I told them they better change that sign, it's been 2 weeks.

I kept my receipt. I'm going up there today to buy tomatoes. I'm going straight to the tomato section to see what the sign says & if it's $1.49, I'm going to go to customer service & say, "hey, how much are your tomatoes going for?"

If it rings up wrong again they're going to have to call the security guard 'cuz I'm gonna be pissed.