Holey pockets, batman

Alicia: I was telling the girls the story about your jeans pockets having holes in them, so you had to put your change in a coin purse so the coins wouldn't fall through the hole. But then the one hole got so big the coin purse would slip through. I was cracking up.

Joe: Well I didn't tell you my latest?

Alicia: Oh boy, no, you didn't.

Joe: Now my hanky slips through the hole in my jeans pocket. I start feelin' somethin' weird on my leg & figure out it's my hanky. So I don't want to look all squirrly jiggling my leg around to try to get it out, so I just let it go.

Alicia: Why don't you just reach through the hole & grab it?

Joe: It's half way down my leg. I just have to wait for it to come out. I got smart, though, see, & I started putting my hanky & my keys in my back pocket. I showed 'em. Only bad thing is when you sit down on the godd#mn things.

Kmart Chickens

Joe:
So you know how I was going to get those eggs that were on sale at Kmart this week? So I go there on Monday, the day after the sale starts, and they're out of them already. Typical.
How could they be outta them that soon into the sale? I mean, what, do they only got one chicken out back shittin' out eggs or what?

Xrays

Joe: I needed to pick up a copy of my Xrays from St. Anthony's but they don't give you no paper Xrays... now they come on some kind of disc. I got 'em sittin' on the table now, I haven't even opened the envelope or looked at them. Sh#t, I guess I couldn't see 'em anyway if they're on a disc. Maybe if I hold it up to the light.

Joe & Obama... J going to see O speak

Joe: So I guess this thing w/ Obama bein' in town is on the up & up b/c my friends just called to find out my full name & social security number. I guess they gotta check you out before you go & make sure you're not some nut job.

Alicia: What do you think they're going to find when they look you up?

Joe: Hell, Obama might seek me out as his next Vice President. Or I might be in charge of the Department of Education.

Alicia: Oh yeah, what are you going to educate people on?

Joe: Common sense. Sh#t, I might travel coast to coast to educate the public on the Walnut Park theory. (neighborhood where Joe grew up)

Joe's softer side

Alicia: So I watched the tape of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that you brought over. That episode wasn't that good. Not much happened.

Joe: Nah, it was just all that emotional sh#t with Taylor.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere

Alicia: Did you watch Real Housewives? How was it?

Joe: Yeah I watched it. Nothing really happened on this episode but the season highlights look like it's going to be really good. Boy, that Paul, Adrienne's husband is a goof. He's got this mustache now. His face looks like somebody's butt. That mustache. Plus he's an a$%hole.

Water has emotions

Joe: So I found out what was wrong with your toilet. There was a broken up rubber washer stuck in the fluid master. So when your toilet was refilling, the water had a hard time gettin' around that broken up sh*t. That water was probably pissed off it had to fight so hard to get around that sh*t.

(ps. he's not literally talking about sh#t. he's talking about the rubber washer remnants)