Big Finger

Joe: You know how I cut my finger the other week & it had swollen so big? Well, I tried the other day takin' a needle to it, but nuthin' came out. But today it was so big I tried again, so I stuck the needle in & pushed & that yellow puss sh#t came out up by my fingernail.

Alicia: Did you sterilize the needle? I think you should go to the doctor, what if you have a staph infection.

Joe: I put the needle in soap. A doctor ain't gonna do anything different than what I did, is he?

Alicia: He'd probably put you on antibiotics.

Joe: I don't need no godd#mn antiobiotics. I used to be up on a pole (he was a telephone man) & cut my finger with blood running down & squirrel sh#t all in the cut. I don't need no antibiotics.

Adele

Joe: I wanted to sing you a little song: "He could have had it all..." What is that she says next?
Alicia: It's "We could have had it all. Rolling in the deep."
Joe: Yeah, that's that Adele gal. Is she from the south or something? She's got a drawl, don't she? Or no, maybe it's Canada.
Alicia: (silent pause, in awe) No, not southern... not Canadian... she's British.

Holey pockets, batman

Alicia: I was telling the girls the story about your jeans pockets having holes in them, so you had to put your change in a coin purse so the coins wouldn't fall through the hole. But then the one hole got so big the coin purse would slip through. I was cracking up.

Joe: Well I didn't tell you my latest?

Alicia: Oh boy, no, you didn't.

Joe: Now my hanky slips through the hole in my jeans pocket. I start feelin' somethin' weird on my leg & figure out it's my hanky. So I don't want to look all squirrly jiggling my leg around to try to get it out, so I just let it go.

Alicia: Why don't you just reach through the hole & grab it?

Joe: It's half way down my leg. I just have to wait for it to come out. I got smart, though, see, & I started putting my hanky & my keys in my back pocket. I showed 'em. Only bad thing is when you sit down on the godd#mn things.